Lessons learnt

Recently, there was this person who I didn't know quite well but felt through our interactions that she had always thought well of me. I happened to be there during her hard times in life like 1st and second break ups. I thought she was a nice girl and all. Kind, child like, talented and pretty. So I started going out with her more often. On one hand, I wanted to help her through her difficulties. On the other hand, I was interested in her. Initially, we went jogging weekly which i think both of us enjoyed. We went to artfriend to buy art stuffs and she will even ask to come with me. She was really excited initially and would even thank me and tell me she had a great time. As the days go by, we would regularly visit places like museum or go learn cycling together but I realise the topics we talked about grew fewer and there were several times with awkward silence. She became less responsive on smses though we still meet weekly for our art class. All we could talk about were our everyday stuffs like our work or her whether she has had her dinner. I would ask her if she was well, if she was recovering. If her mother had scolded her and comfort her at these times. Soon, things started to change especially after she had a big quarrell with ger mum and after she visited Japan. She soon started to say things like she wants some alone time and wanting to do things by herself and when I asked her out to do things together that we used to do last time, she said she did not want anymore. Her attitude changed. She was not so amiable anymore and would sometimes ignore my messages. Once, we went out drawing and after the drawing session, she looked me in the eye and told me that she felt drawing alone was better. I thought it was queer, was she trying to elicit a response from me. Anyway, when I went home, I told her the next day that I like drawing together with her. I had my suspicions about her feelings...Until one day, we were talking and when I said that she can call me to go jogging together, she said she'll rather not. I found that it was really her decision. She said she did not want to accomodate anyone else anymore and wants to do her stuff. I think sich an attitude is the end of relationships. With that, it felt to me that she was sending me a clear message. It's time to back off. 

I realise that I spend my time giving my best to people whom I think is a fair candidate but many times, this person is not what they want or it is the wrong time. Sometimes, it is the right conditions and any sort of person will do. Sometimes it does not work out. This whole chasing thing I feel is really a waste of time. My time is truly precious yet I spend it on useless endeavours or on people who do not appreciate it. It is not easy and I always try my best to carve out this time. But now I feel that it is truly a waste of time. If those who are interested, you don't have to do much and it works because they want it. If they are not interested, why waste your precious time? Those who truly see the good qualities in you will come to you. Those who do not, why bother to work on them? The effort will be great and do not necesaarily bear fruit. More often than not, your opportunity cost would be great. 

Thus, I feel I can't be wasting precious time anymore on these endeavours. Those who clearly see will come. Those who do not, there's no need to bother about them. I just need to do my job and help and that's it. 

That said, all in life is a gain. Through this experience, I've gone on to improve my artistic abilities. Something I always liked. I got to learn about going to museums to learn and to learn about patiently observing the exhibits. I started formal art classes. Although we have a lot in common, I think if one hand is not clapping, it still would not work. 

Every experience is a learning experience. But let us not waste time anymore. Life-time is precious and we should make use of it wisely. 

You are the Master

I realise that you are the driver, the master of your life. Many times, I find that we let the circumstance or people or people's opinion take control of our lives and we just go in the way that these things sway us to.

But at the end of the day, we ourselves have to be answerable to ourselves how we led our lives. If we just keep following these currents, where are we going to go? We will never be happy. These people do not lead our lives. We lead our lives and only we know best where we want to and should go.

2 poems

蓝天白云本无忧，
愚人不明自烦恼。
若见碧水只是蓝，
便知悲愁只是幻。
-心光

坦诚相对是我心，
污辱吐骂伤此心。
不偏不倚守直心，
夜间浩月亮明心。
-心光

Surreal

Some days, some times, the world seems so unreal, so surreal, i don't know what to make of it.

My dear friend

Recently I got to know of this friend, a queer guy. His life is like the breeze, like a wind. Passing through people's life, uplifting them and then leaving without the people needing or remembering him anymore. They do not even miss him. If one day he died, people would probably only realise his absence after several days.

When he told me his story, he had just undergone another life changing experience which sucked half his life away. His love life and interaction with females is so interesting and heart-breaking it could be written into a bestseller book.

Since young, this guy told me that he was never involved with women but he believed in true love and that if he was in love, he would be a true lover.

However, it wasn't until when he was in university that he met the first lady in his life. It was a weird phone call, a wrong number phone call. A girl actually called him and at that time, she was devastated. She had just undergone a terrible relationship. Liking his voice, he told me, she called him everyday and they would talk for almost an hour each time. This gone on for maybe 1 or 3 months, when she suddenly found herself liking him. However, because of certain religious reasons, she also noted that she could not be with him. Well, he had no feelings towards her apparently. Very soon, she met another guy and fell in love with him instead and the phone calls stopped coming him. Just like this, he helped one of the first females in his life get through her difficult time.

Of course, not forgetting, when his dad left his mum, he was the most stable guy around the house and his mum used to talk a lot to him and rely on him for support. Also, whenever his foster sister had problems with the boyfriend/husband, or any problems at all, he would always be there to support her and be there for her even though everyone was against her.

His second love story involves him and a fellow student in university. Up to that point, this was the longest love story of his love stories. This love story started with him and the student trying out courtship and exploring how a love life would be like. It went well for the first year but soon problems came. She grew tired of him and he was no longer exciting although he was still very nice to her and all. He was totally devoted to her and even wanted to propose to her. However, she was young and wanted to look for something more exciting, she wanted more in life and soon saw someone she was really attracted to. They went out together without his knowledge but when the relationship did not work out, she was greatly saddened and he was there to support her still as her boyfriend as all along, he has always been her boyfriend. Subsequently, there were others whom she was attracted to and went out behind his back which did not work out and he was there all along for her. Finally, because of his queer ways, the girl finally decided that they had different goals in life and they parted ways, an amiable parting though. They remained close friends to this day and could share freely about anything in the world.

Almost a year after his break up, he got in touch with another female friend who was healing from a break up too. They started going out together happily and he decided maybe she could be his girlfriend, she wanted to take it slowly so they went out and had a number of sweet and happy dates. He would always send her back home. Then another guy appeared in the picture. She was confident she would not like him and treated him like a little brother. However, he sensed something amiss. One day, she was supposed to meet the boy and my friend asked her where she was going but she did not reply. He knew that she would be in the esplanade area and so he just took a train down to take a walk in the area, half hoping to meet her somewhere around. And luck has it that he actually met them. By looking at their body language, he sensed that they actually liked each other. He went forward to meet them and the 3 of them went out for a really weird dinner. After that, the girl was very upset with him and that was the end of the budding relationship between them. As every time my friend decides he will like a girl, he puts his heart and soul into it, a heart break like this is really traumatic for him. This heart break left him feeling nauseous and dizzy for several days and to get rid of the heaviness in his heart, he would keep coughing and feel like throwing up, although it could never work to remove the heaviness in his heart. At first, the girl proposed that she would not talk to him. But that sudden break up was actually the cause of his condition. He pleaded with her to at least talk to him and that was what gradually allowed him to heal he said. He still regularly sees that couple together whenever they meet up with common friends for gathering. Looking back, he told me that maybe because of him, she was able to open her heart to another relationship, such that when the other guy came along, her heart was already open to receive that relationship. His role probably was just to help her recover so that she could receive the next relationship.

About a year after that, he met with another girl. An angel he called her. Their meeting was really interesting he said because of some numerological coincidences in their lives. They were really similar in many ways but yet at the same time also really different in some aspects. In a sense, he felt that they were a really complementary couple because of similar life goals but differing personalities and inclinations. At that time when he entered her life, they started out by talking through smses. However, since the first day they smsed each other, they never stopped smsing each other. They hit off very quickly and could share anything with each other. Despite difficulties, and circumstances, he felt that there was probably much more to their relationship and slowly grew a love interest towards her. He would do anything for her and he did do many things for her. Soon, she realised that something was amiss with how he was treating her and questioned him about it. Whereupon, he revealed his interest in her. She wasn't ready to commit to a relationship at that point. But she soon found herself relying on him for many things. They would also talk on the phone for long hours. There was once, she asked if he would accompany her to a business seminar, and he agreed. That was the start of the end of his relationship with her. They continued going for these business talks and they were really motivating and led the girl closer to her goals. She started a business and was really taking in the teachings like a sponge. They really kept her going and kept her spirits up. In the mean time, my friend has to go overseas for a an extended period of time. During that time, she realised how attached she was to him. And when he came back, they got together finally after 1.5 years of my friend courting her. However, she was never really comfortable with being in a relationship. nevertheless, soon the relationship took off and it went well for 3 weeks. She was really starting to be his girlfriend and thinking like his girlfriend. However, there was one weekend, they went for a big business conference where the girl realised that she had been neglecting her original dreams the past few months and wanted to strive towards them. At the same time, she did not give any attention to my friend too who was supposed to be her boyfriend, but was treated as no more than a acquaintance to her in the conference. She was undergoing an emotional and psychological change. When they went back, he expressed his unhappiness about his time at the conference to her. A few days later, she proposed to break up with him.

Today, he was telling me they had a talk and he found out that the day he expressed his unhappiness towards her, she was really disappointed in him and it further showed her that to reach her goals, she had no space for such distractions. She was not looking for a relationship when it came and that last quarrel really re-emphasised how much of a distraction it was. That night itself, she thoroughly let him and the budding relationship go. That was the end of it. He later realised that he had killed his dreams with his own hands. He deeply regretted and told me that only he had held his tongue then, things might have turned out differently. His dreams were thoroughly crushed.

My friend, being the loyal 'true love' believer kind of friend, had already devoted his whole heart and soul in the relationship and really put her needs above his own. However, obviously the girl thought there were more important things than him, a living, breathing person right in front of her. She felt that these love relationships between two individuals were so small, so insignificant and that the disagreements arising from his expectations as a boyfriend were really nonsensical compared to the much greater things that she wants to accomplish. Everything she said, he told me, each sentence, each line was like a knife through his heart. He might be strong, but taking stabs after stabs through his heart...it really really hurt. When she first broke up with him, for the first week he told me, he had a terrible heartache and he felt this real heaviness on his chest, he kept coughing too, apparently to cough out the heaviness but it of course did not work. After that, he still wanted to wait for her, he believed, they could do great things together as they had very similar goals and missions in life... and that also her interests were really similar to his....However, it seems now that she has moved on. She does not want to look back she told him. Her life now is happier, lighter, she looks forward to accomplish her goals and dreams everyday and is happy that each day, she is taking steps towards it. When I met him, he just sent her home. He told me that when they parted, she told him, with a smile, not to send her home anymore.. He has always sent her home, for the past year and a half without fail, no matter what time it was. Sadly, he told me, it seems, it would have to end...she has moved on.. and maybe the best thing he could do for her is to let her go, let her fly. He realised that his task, his role with her was probably, maybe just to tide her through her difficult days and maybe introduce her to the motivational stuff and business so she might be self sufficient. When she was undergoing her darkest times, he was there with her all the way. Now she has transformed, she has become strong, and able to fend for herself, she is back, pursuing her dreams with a fervour. He feels he is probably not needed for her anymore and that maybe it is time he took his leave like how it has always been and let her fly as a butterfly. She implied that he was caging her and she feels so much freer now. This last relationship, he also invested all his feelings into it and now it is hurting him so badly he told me. When I met him, he told me that the heavy feeling keeps encircling in his chest, he is thinking if he should cry but no tears comes out. He just needs to heal this. Once again, his life has brought him to heal another female, but leaving him hurt and in pain, needing to recover. He tells me that this hurt is really painful and he does not know how long it will take to recover. And that anyway, no one would really care about him, the girl is probably happily asleep and dreaming by now. On hindsight, he reflected, his life was probably good for helping girls to heal and open up their hearts. Yet using his own heart and soul in exchange...He says that this one took quite a bit out of him and he probably needs to recover for some time....

Well, I could not do much too, only console him and pray that he would recover soon....

sadness

I'm back. Where once there was another. Now I only need to talk with myself. There is no need to talk and explain so much now. My time has also returned.. Still... I wonder about her..

Doing

Recently, I had this conversation with a friend. It's about doing snd how we human beings keep jumping from doing one thing to doing the next thing. Sometimes, I would think we are lost in the doing. We just want to do something. Even cultivators also want to do something, chant, bow, read, even meditate! Meditation, the pinnacle of non-doing, is also doing sonething. They say, "I'm going to meditate now." It's like meditation is also, an activity, sonething to do which can fill up their time. When friends meet, we must also always find a reason to meet or something to do. We cannot just meet to meet each other. It's really wierd.

Zen Master Harada Tangen Roshi used to say, "Just this one doing". But do what? One? There are so many things to do!! How can it be one? By that phrase, is he also free of the compulsion to do something?

Some people say this compulsion to keep doing something to occupy your time, is actually to occupy your mind, to keep it busy so that it doesn't have to face the Truth of yourself. You don't want to see yourself.. Is that the case?

Another saying is that you just have to know why you are doing sonething then just go ahead and do it, no second thoughts. However, even so, I feel this doing and doung does become a habit! And we keep looking for something to do. In fact, I think we lose appreciation of the now in our compulsion of always doing.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are others who revel in not doing. That is another aspect. They are attached to not doing.

As such what is the right way? The middle way between doing and not doing? Doing what is needed but not any extra and when there is nothing to do, just do nothing. Free from the compulsion to always do something, and free from attachment to doing nothing. But how do we achieve this balance?