My dear friend

Recently I got to know of this friend, a queer guy. His life is like the breeze, like a wind. Passing through people's life, uplifting them and then leaving without the people needing or remembering him anymore. They do not even miss him. If one day he died, people would probably only realise his absence after several days.

When he told me his story, he had just undergone another life changing experience which sucked half his life away. His love life and interaction with females is so interesting and heart-breaking it could be written into a bestseller book.

Since young, this guy told me that he was never involved with women but he believed in true love and that if he was in love, he would be a true lover.

However, it wasn't until when he was in university that he met the first lady in his life. It was a weird phone call, a wrong number phone call. A girl actually called him and at that time, she was devastated. She had just undergone a terrible relationship. Liking his voice, he told me, she called him everyday and they would talk for almost an hour each time. This gone on for maybe 1 or 3 months, when she suddenly found herself liking him. However, because of certain religious reasons, she also noted that she could not be with him. Well, he had no feelings towards her apparently. Very soon, she met another guy and fell in love with him instead and the phone calls stopped coming him. Just like this, he helped one of the first females in his life get through her difficult time.

Of course, not forgetting, when his dad left his mum, he was the most stable guy around the house and his mum used to talk a lot to him and rely on him for support. Also, whenever his foster sister had problems with the boyfriend/husband, or any problems at all, he would always be there to support her and be there for her even though everyone was against her.

His second love story involves him and a fellow student in university. Up to that point, this was the longest love story of his love stories. This love story started with him and the student trying out courtship and exploring how a love life would be like. It went well for the first year but soon problems came. She grew tired of him and he was no longer exciting although he was still very nice to her and all. He was totally devoted to her and even wanted to propose to her. However, she was young and wanted to look for something more exciting, she wanted more in life and soon saw someone she was really attracted to. They went out together without his knowledge but when the relationship did not work out, she was greatly saddened and he was there to support her still as her boyfriend as all along, he has always been her boyfriend. Subsequently, there were others whom she was attracted to and went out behind his back which did not work out and he was there all along for her. Finally, because of his queer ways, the girl finally decided that they had different goals in life and they parted ways, an amiable parting though. They remained close friends to this day and could share freely about anything in the world.

Almost a year after his break up, he got in touch with another female friend who was healing from a break up too. They started going out together happily and he decided maybe she could be his girlfriend, she wanted to take it slowly so they went out and had a number of sweet and happy dates. He would always send her back home. Then another guy appeared in the picture. She was confident she would not like him and treated him like a little brother. However, he sensed something amiss. One day, she was supposed to meet the boy and my friend asked her where she was going but she did not reply. He knew that she would be in the esplanade area and so he just took a train down to take a walk in the area, half hoping to meet her somewhere around. And luck has it that he actually met them. By looking at their body language, he sensed that they actually liked each other. He went forward to meet them and the 3 of them went out for a really weird dinner. After that, the girl was very upset with him and that was the end of the budding relationship between them. As every time my friend decides he will like a girl, he puts his heart and soul into it, a heart break like this is really traumatic for him. This heart break left him feeling nauseous and dizzy for several days and to get rid of the heaviness in his heart, he would keep coughing and feel like throwing up, although it could never work to remove the heaviness in his heart. At first, the girl proposed that she would not talk to him. But that sudden break up was actually the cause of his condition. He pleaded with her to at least talk to him and that was what gradually allowed him to heal he said. He still regularly sees that couple together whenever they meet up with common friends for gathering. Looking back, he told me that maybe because of him, she was able to open her heart to another relationship, such that when the other guy came along, her heart was already open to receive that relationship. His role probably was just to help her recover so that she could receive the next relationship.

About a year after that, he met with another girl. An angel he called her. Their meeting was really interesting he said because of some numerological coincidences in their lives. They were really similar in many ways but yet at the same time also really different in some aspects. In a sense, he felt that they were a really complementary couple because of similar life goals but differing personalities and inclinations. At that time when he entered her life, they started out by talking through smses. However, since the first day they smsed each other, they never stopped smsing each other. They hit off very quickly and could share anything with each other. Despite difficulties, and circumstances, he felt that there was probably much more to their relationship and slowly grew a love interest towards her. He would do anything for her and he did do many things for her. Soon, she realised that something was amiss with how he was treating her and questioned him about it. Whereupon, he revealed his interest in her. She wasn't ready to commit to a relationship at that point. But she soon found herself relying on him for many things. They would also talk on the phone for long hours. There was once, she asked if he would accompany her to a business seminar, and he agreed. That was the start of the end of his relationship with her. They continued going for these business talks and they were really motivating and led the girl closer to her goals. She started a business and was really taking in the teachings like a sponge. They really kept her going and kept her spirits up. In the mean time, my friend has to go overseas for a an extended period of time. During that time, she realised how attached she was to him. And when he came back, they got together finally after 1.5 years of my friend courting her. However, she was never really comfortable with being in a relationship. nevertheless, soon the relationship took off and it went well for 3 weeks. She was really starting to be his girlfriend and thinking like his girlfriend. However, there was one weekend, they went for a big business conference where the girl realised that she had been neglecting her original dreams the past few months and wanted to strive towards them. At the same time, she did not give any attention to my friend too who was supposed to be her boyfriend, but was treated as no more than a acquaintance to her in the conference. She was undergoing an emotional and psychological change. When they went back, he expressed his unhappiness about his time at the conference to her. A few days later, she proposed to break up with him.

Today, he was telling me they had a talk and he found out that the day he expressed his unhappiness towards her, she was really disappointed in him and it further showed her that to reach her goals, she had no space for such distractions. She was not looking for a relationship when it came and that last quarrel really re-emphasised how much of a distraction it was. That night itself, she thoroughly let him and the budding relationship go. That was the end of it. He later realised that he had killed his dreams with his own hands. He deeply regretted and told me that only he had held his tongue then, things might have turned out differently. His dreams were thoroughly crushed.

My friend, being the loyal 'true love' believer kind of friend, had already devoted his whole heart and soul in the relationship and really put her needs above his own. However, obviously the girl thought there were more important things than him, a living, breathing person right in front of her. She felt that these love relationships between two individuals were so small, so insignificant and that the disagreements arising from his expectations as a boyfriend were really nonsensical compared to the much greater things that she wants to accomplish. Everything she said, he told me, each sentence, each line was like a knife through his heart. He might be strong, but taking stabs after stabs through his heart...it really really hurt. When she first broke up with him, for the first week he told me, he had a terrible heartache and he felt this real heaviness on his chest, he kept coughing too, apparently to cough out the heaviness but it of course did not work. After that, he still wanted to wait for her, he believed, they could do great things together as they had very similar goals and missions in life... and that also her interests were really similar to his....However, it seems now that she has moved on. She does not want to look back she told him. Her life now is happier, lighter, she looks forward to accomplish her goals and dreams everyday and is happy that each day, she is taking steps towards it. When I met him, he just sent her home. He told me that when they parted, she told him, with a smile, not to send her home anymore.. He has always sent her home, for the past year and a half without fail, no matter what time it was. Sadly, he told me, it seems, it would have to end...she has moved on.. and maybe the best thing he could do for her is to let her go, let her fly. He realised that his task, his role with her was probably, maybe just to tide her through her difficult days and maybe introduce her to the motivational stuff and business so she might be self sufficient. When she was undergoing her darkest times, he was there with her all the way. Now she has transformed, she has become strong, and able to fend for herself, she is back, pursuing her dreams with a fervour. He feels he is probably not needed for her anymore and that maybe it is time he took his leave like how it has always been and let her fly as a butterfly. She implied that he was caging her and she feels so much freer now. This last relationship, he also invested all his feelings into it and now it is hurting him so badly he told me. When I met him, he told me that the heavy feeling keeps encircling in his chest, he is thinking if he should cry but no tears comes out. He just needs to heal this. Once again, his life has brought him to heal another female, but leaving him hurt and in pain, needing to recover. He tells me that this hurt is really painful and he does not know how long it will take to recover. And that anyway, no one would really care about him, the girl is probably happily asleep and dreaming by now. On hindsight, he reflected, his life was probably good for helping girls to heal and open up their hearts. Yet using his own heart and soul in exchange...He says that this one took quite a bit out of him and he probably needs to recover for some time....

Well, I could not do much too, only console him and pray that he would recover soon....

sadness

I'm back. Where once there was another. Now I only need to talk with myself. There is no need to talk and explain so much now. My time has also returned.. Still... I wonder about her..

Doing

Recently, I had this conversation with a friend. It's about doing snd how we human beings keep jumping from doing one thing to doing the next thing. Sometimes, I would think we are lost in the doing. We just want to do something. Even cultivators also want to do something, chant, bow, read, even meditate! Meditation, the pinnacle of non-doing, is also doing sonething. They say, "I'm going to meditate now." It's like meditation is also, an activity, sonething to do which can fill up their time. When friends meet, we must also always find a reason to meet or something to do. We cannot just meet to meet each other. It's really wierd.

Zen Master Harada Tangen Roshi used to say, "Just this one doing". But do what? One? There are so many things to do!! How can it be one? By that phrase, is he also free of the compulsion to do something?

Some people say this compulsion to keep doing something to occupy your time, is actually to occupy your mind, to keep it busy so that it doesn't have to face the Truth of yourself. You don't want to see yourself.. Is that the case?

Another saying is that you just have to know why you are doing sonething then just go ahead and do it, no second thoughts. However, even so, I feel this doing and doung does become a habit! And we keep looking for something to do. In fact, I think we lose appreciation of the now in our compulsion of always doing.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are others who revel in not doing. That is another aspect. They are attached to not doing.

As such what is the right way? The middle way between doing and not doing? Doing what is needed but not any extra and when there is nothing to do, just do nothing. Free from the compulsion to always do something, and free from attachment to doing nothing. But how do we achieve this balance?

Something missing

There is something missing because you are looking for something, expecting something. If you are not expecting, seeking, originally, nothing is missing.

The Perfectly Perfect World

If this world was perfect, look again, there's probably something wrong with this world. Maybe a hole or a glitch somewhere.

It is precisely because of this imperfection, we know that this world is completely perfect.

Drunk in this world

Recently I read the following from the Tricycle Magazine

So long as the mind feels pleasure and pain, it’s drunk. Even while practicing the dhamma, it’s drunk, you know. People can get drunk eating rice—there’s no need to drink alcohol. If you eat a lot of rice, you can get drunk—drunk on rice. The same with the dhamma: Don’t get drunk on it. When people are drunk on the dhamma, they don’t stop. They keep on talking. If they see anybody coming, they want to grab him by the arm and give him a sermon on the dhamma. That’s a sign that they’re drunk on dhamma. They go after everybody: “I want to teach that person; I want to do this person a favor by teaching him the dhamma”—and so they do a favor to the entire country by teaching the dhamma. That’s a sign of drunkenness. Being drunk on the dhamma is no different from being drunk on alcohol. They’re really similar. Don’t go there. You have to look carefully, again and again, for sometimes something is dhamma, but it’s drunk. That’s not right.
From Still, Flowing Water, by Venerable Ajahn Chah, trans. Thanissaro Bhikkhu © 2013. Reprinted with permission.

And I have been reflecting on it for the past two days. The more I reflect, the more I feel that this phrase is so true! As our minds get "taken over", drawn totally into the story of things, it becomes like when one is drunk. One just simply follows without discernment. One becomes unclear of what is happening and one's heart just goes off tangent. As such, the training is to be constantly mindful. When mindfulness is strong, and one already is educated on Right View, then it is difficult for 'distractions'/defilements to grow. It's like it loses fuel to burn, no oxygen to burn and it dies of natural death.

However, in a society like Singapore, with too many things to do and too little time, our minds are pulled in all directions and it is tough to practice in this manner. However, if we keep the thought of practicing in our minds, whenever there is an opportunity, likw when we are walking from place to place and especially if we are alone, we will clarify our minds, meaning to make it clear and see things clearly. Slowly, this will grow and then we will be able to do it better and better and slowly it will start to break into other parts of our lives. I think this is how we can practice in Singapore....without going anywhere else.So, I hope everyone can always keep the heart to practice at the back of their head and clarify their minds :) Then the world will then be a better place with less 'drunkards' :)

The greatest curse of life

The master says that practicing gives you strength, strength to say no to your karma and break the chain of unwholesome activities.

Your (bad) karma is like a curse. These unwholesome ways of thinking, rooted in anger, ignorance and greed, solidified into habits, habits of the mind, we sometimes call habitual tendencies. These are what leads us through our lives on a day to day basis.

Zen and Buddhism tells, "hey wake up now! What are you doing?" if we are mindful, this wake up call is often heard. If not, we go along with our habits developed since long ago. The thing is these habits are formed over a long time and they literally created us! We are re-made of them so many times, they are all around and it's hard to notice them. It's camoflaged into the fabric of our thoughts. However, when we become more mindful, we suddenly realise that those habitual tendencies and defilements are driving us to do things. Sometimes, we notice, but as soon as we notice, we get lost in them the next moment, mired in their midst.

It is like being cursed. Curses control our minds, forcing us to see, hear or do things we normally would not see, hear or do. Defilements and habitual tendencies are exactly like that. If you are clear, you immediately know that you are not like this and would not do such things. At this time, if your are strong, you maintain this clarity and do not identify with the curse, thus breaking the curse. This is where the strength that the teacher talks about comes in. The seeing is the first step, the strength combined with the clear seeing breaks the curse. If your seeing is not clear enough, you would not be able to uproot the curse and would need to continually deal with it as it tempts you continuously. If your seeing is clear, you trace it to it's root in your mind and uproot it totally in one full effort.

It is so with curses and also with habitual tendencies and defilements. They chain us without us knowing, prod us in certain directions and we follow them unknowingly. So it is said, clear mind, clear mind, watch, watch! And then at the same time, develop and train your strength. Strength helps to sustain clear mind and clear mind puts strength to good use.

In buddhist meditation we train both. Clear mind in knowing what is and what is not and strength in bring back the mind and not letting it get swept away into the stories of our mind.

Be clear right here right now. Ultimately still, take your place in the centre stage of your life. Remember, all around you, it is all false. Yet, in my tradition, they say, one more step is necessary, what is it? What is worthy enough for us to live and engage our lives in?

One last thing: Be careful, if you are not totally empty, karma will have a hold on you!! If you are totally empty, anything I say is just wind.