Thursday, December 25, 2008
Back pain!!!
AHHHHHHH! Back pain!!! Been like this for almost a week alr...thot i was going to recover a few days ago but it came back even worse!! Will be going to see the doc tmr. Even had difficulty getting down from bed. Terrible!! It all started with a sneeze. Really old alr..and also i think there is some problem with my back..got to get it treated.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Zen retreat 2
12 Dec First night, reached at 10 plus. Managed to steal some sleep on the car while on the way here. Shi fu kindly sent us here. Talked and learnt quite a bit of dharma in the car abt how to set a direction and follow a path thru and thru and dun give up. Shi fu always emphasized not giving up. bathed late. My phobia of the dirtyness of the place was coming back. Here with kwek, wl, mf, and hy. Kept my push up regime. Time to sleep.
13 Dec woke up with a shock. Washed up and sat for the first meditation. Was good for the first 10 min and slept thru the rest. At least the bowing was good. May have an ans for who am i. Eating the oryoki style was rather fun but a bit unclean. Early mornin meditation was terrible. Was practically dreaming through the whole thing. Maybe too sleepy.. Got to do something abt it. I don't have many chances. Have to make each one worth it! Yup got it in the interview. Passed a few kong an. So it is indeed that zen is nothing special. My meditation wasn't that wonderful at first. But it got much better after the interview. I think i now know how to meditate the zen style. Seems like the masters have always been talking abt it. Just had the quick lunch once again. All meals quick. Afternoon sitting was at first good then slowly to bad. The first sitting went fast. I think because of the breathing exercises we did earlier. The last sitting was sheer torture. Imagining stuffs... Just found out that communicating with the outside is not allowed so sneaking around. just had dinner. Just like a race. Today thought that the place is quite nice, cool, windy and all. And not as dirty due to the many ppl doing the cleaning. Night sitting was fine. Today had an insight into the what am i question. Will check with shi fu tmr. ZMDQ has left. But it is nice seeing him face to face at least once. He looks like a jolly guy. I figured the secret today for staying concentrated is sufficient sleep and aiming to have strong centre. Tonight was dharma talk by shi fu. No new insights. That's all sleep.
14 2nd day. ZM DQ has gone back so shifu will be conducting interviews today. Everyone gets a interview each day. Last time i couldn't pass the mu kong an under him. Don't know if will pass this time. Anyway, early morning sitting was all right. The second sitting was a little sleepy, dreaming, but overall it was ok. Did not sleep well last night. Got to go sleep. Through this meditation, i realised how dangerous thots can be. If i let some thots grow, they can take the whole retreat with it. Got whacked in meditation for the first time on the shoulders, it wasn't as hard and useful as i expected it to be..oh well...next time maybe i try the back. It is a rainy day today. Tic tac tic tac on the roof. My shit is done. Morning sitting was good. If i am right, getting into the groove alr. But as usual law of diminishing marginal returns. Afternoon sitting was fine. But interview was bad. Din even touch on yesterday's kongan. Got stuck at some other very basic function kong an. Dun really like those kinds of kong ans....hai... Sad.. But after the night's talk, i think should just work hard. Had a faith crisis for a moment till i remembered the 3 pillars of great faith, determination and doubt.. Maybe just do it la.. Just carry on practising even though cannot see the end or the goal..they are fasting tmr.. I am not. Donno will have bad repercussions or not.. Anyway, nightz.
15 3rd day. Decided to just go ahead regardless. Today early morning sitting was bad. First sitting was still ok, struggling albeit. Second sitting was disastrous. Kept on dreaming. I had to resort to counting breaths. Even so, i missed quite some breaths. I remembered that when i was younger, i never had problems with counting breaths. I could count all the way to 400 plus without missing a single breath. Now it is not so...maybe go catch some sleep, it'll be better. I don't know if it is me or what, but i tend to hold a kong an only for a few hours and will just settle for an ans, never being able to hold it overnight or something....gf din reply to sms last night.... So thinking abt it a bit too...hmmm so this is what outside communication does to your practice. But it is necessary. So what is correct situation? Hai... Oh just now at the second early morning sitting i volunteered to get whacked on the back by the head monk. Wasn't very useful..only stung for a while then back to sleepy. Morning sitting was good. Had interview. Solved a few kong ans. I think like 2 new ones? The old 5 fingers one still not solved. Reviewing through the kong ans that i solved, it seems that there is indeed a link and a kind of mind needed to solve these kong ans. To only don't know...i am getting am inkling as to what it is. I think i have to practice more... It is very obvious in the mu kong an i think. So just carry on. But the question is can i maintain this don't know mind till the next retreat at least a year later. i've got to really work hard. Starting not to be so attached to kong an maybe cos shi fu gave me a small clue.. But i think in actual fact it is not so important. Constant practice is more important. Afternoon sitting was excellent! The best sitting ever. I stablelised with the teaching of 'when bodhidharma sat at sorim for 9 years, he did not believe anything that arose in his mind'. In the diamond sutra, it is said that this world is like a dream, so why attach? But the truth is still the truth. And with the breathing method stablelised, i was able to meditate quite well. Time passed rather fast and i was quite clear. If anything arose, we should wake up to the truth and keep clear. Keep clear and let manifest the 16 foot golden buddha statue (let your Buddha nature manifest in your daily life and acivities to the fullest). I should take the next few days to stablelise more. Then it is come back next year or donno when. Today night sitting was fine. Just thinking if maybe my meditation might be missing the mark. Shifu today gave a great faith, great doubt, great effort talk. Motivated me to work harder and find my head. While chanting at night just now i realised that my practice not only can benefit me, but also can benefit those around me cos when i am strong, i can support my family, loved ones and friends. So i only have 3 days left. I should work hard and put down my opinions and find my 'missing head'. Ok that's all for today night!
16 early morning sitting was not bad too. Just a bit more stray thoughts. But my friend's sitting was not so good. Karmic hindrances.. The first time i was here, i also cut my stay short by a few days. This time my sitting was good. My friend was contemplating on staying or not but decided to stay after all. A bit happy, cos if he stays then i do not need to do translation. A bit selfish but yea. Haha. But how i hope he can master his mind. He thinks a lot and very fast... A bit difficult...the methods that i am used to may not work for him... The other of my friends are leaving today.. Hopefully they have gained. Haha, a small part of me also hopes they have not gained and solved to the same level as me, yea selfish, i know..hai....got to work more on this...hope everyone gains, seen and learnt something useful..ok yes a few more sessions. I got to work hard! Morning sitting was fine, a bit more sleepy and a bit more pain. Before my friends left, one of them suggested we do the 108 bows which we din do this morning cos all the other ppl were fasting. So we did and it took up my sleeping time in the morning time. So i was a little sleepy. Ldmr, but still managed to stay rather awake compared to last time tho i kept on yawning. Just wake up! Keep clear! Just now was looking through a kong an book. Got a few kong an can answer, a few cannot answer... Don't know whether correct or not. So a bit scared for later's interview. Alamak :s still make quite some few mistakes i think...have to ans shifu's kong an later... keep clear! Just do it! Yes! Don't check they say..have faith in my own experience..haha! Passed the five fingers kong an! And another. Got new homework. Got tricked by the teacher again..Getting to be better in concentration. Seems like the truth is everywhere indeed so focusing on the truth and breath, one can meditate. The truth is always fresh and clear. Just now the head monk re emphasized cannot use hp. Haha! Then someone looked at me. Then head monk recommend if really need use, then use at car park which when i went there, got already ppl there using! Haha! So i think it is the girls side kena complained. Then he also talked abt not talking abt other school's mediation method here. I see the guys side din do this so is most likely the girls. Night sitting was good. Actually i think i can only keep my concentration for like half min max each time. But i am getting the idea and my conc is enough to deal with leg pains. Today shi fu din give talk and wun give until after i go alr.. So we sat. I started thinking of going out stuff alr.. Affected my meditation a bit. Keep having to keep clear. Think i got from this meditation more than i asked for alr. Now i know how exactly to meditate alr but still scared may lose it in the hustle and bustle of life. So must maintain maybe 20 to 30 min of sitting per day. Remember all the key ideas of direction, keep clear, just do it. Never believe in the mind and breathe deep, keep strong centre. Yup ok, i think that's all for tonight. Well done for today. hmmm... One more thing, i seem to have achieved a lot this retreat. Scared may get complacent. Must look out. And everyday, before i meditate, i also look to my teachers from shinnyo-en for their protection and strength. I think it helps. Altho my understanding is not thorough, hopefully i dun stray when i go out.. That's all for tonight. Nightz!
17 early morning sitting was bad, first sitting had runny nose but still managed to sit after some time. Second sitting runny nose got better but started to get sleepy. Had the head monk to hit me but not much use. After hitting tho, my runny nose came back so was not sleepy anymore but dealing with runny nose. Hope it recovers soon. Today got much more mosquitoes than the last few days. But still less then the last time during my first retreat. Morning sitting was not too good rather distracted. Cant pass the flag kong an and another new one too..during today's sitting, another thing appeared. While hearing the bell for interview ring, seeing the trees sway. I suddenly had an insight into what i think is the not moving mind or mind ground.. I think this might be the aim. To clarify the mind ground. During afternoon sitting, i looked at the tree again for the first sitting.. In the end i think i might have got too attached to the tree or something and nothing happened. Then the second sitting, i tried again harder but got sleepy instead whereby i went back to the breathing deep and i got better. I changed my sitting cushion and position from a low flat cushion to a high slanted cushion and from a double lotus to a loose single lotus. I did not have back and leg pain, which i always had throughout these days but my right leg which was on top went numb. Think the cushion was too high. I also realised that when i returned to my third sitting, concentrating on my breathing, when it was stable, i looked up and saw the flags in the wind and had the mind ground feeling again, the non attachment feeling. However, compassion seems missing. After the sitting, i went bathing, and i saw 2 mosquitoes in the bath room. The fear was still there. Nothing has changed for that one. Hmmm.. I know that though i am able to ans the kong ans, i know that my understanding remains intellectual and not the real true deep understanding. I think i need more practice..more practice.. Are the mountain and the trees different? That is the problem. The ancestors has shown the path and the truth and the way. But i still cant get it..yea..more deeper practice. Just now had a the longest talk with my friend b4 night session abt kong ans.. Donno whether correct or not..never mind.. But the result was that my night first session was not v good. Spent a good 20 min reviewing my speech.. Then, couldn't really conc alr.. Then suspected if my steam is running out as the whole day also not too good. Second session decided to conc on breathing deep again. Managed to do it. Started to review what i learnt here, reviewed my kong an home work and thought of donno mind. I actually know what is it le..hai..it's so simple: Just do something fully without any thoughts. that's it. Even meditation also is just staying in donno mind while breathing deep to build strong centre so can always keep clear. Then some times look around just stay with the input of your senses with donno mind, not naming or identifying anything, which is usually the first thing that our mind does.. That's it. But the teachings of correct direction, keep clear, just do it, try try try all need strong centre and cultivation of donno mind thru practice. And with donno mind one attains the truths and together with strong centre, one is able to discern the kong ans and solve them and not fall into any tricks. To solve the kong ans, one needs to identify the correct situation, then decide the correct function and or relationship, all there with clear mind. But kong ans are just riddles of situations which supposed to mimic real life situations where all the teachings of this school of zen is supposed to be used. Ok that's all. Fingers tired, rest. Last day. Yes! Gf haven't reply.. Sleep..nightz.
18 last day, leaving at noon. Early morning sitting was bad, plagued by thoughts of going home and gf only to the last 10 min of the 2nd session of the early morning then managed to recover. Managed to clear one kong an. The flag one still not cleared. My teaching ans is not good it seems.. Now on the way home. Feel calmer than before retreat. Can freely do meditation with the circumstances and situation that i am in. Quite amazing, what i have learnt. Thank you everyone :)
13 Dec woke up with a shock. Washed up and sat for the first meditation. Was good for the first 10 min and slept thru the rest. At least the bowing was good. May have an ans for who am i. Eating the oryoki style was rather fun but a bit unclean. Early mornin meditation was terrible. Was practically dreaming through the whole thing. Maybe too sleepy.. Got to do something abt it. I don't have many chances. Have to make each one worth it! Yup got it in the interview. Passed a few kong an. So it is indeed that zen is nothing special. My meditation wasn't that wonderful at first. But it got much better after the interview. I think i now know how to meditate the zen style. Seems like the masters have always been talking abt it. Just had the quick lunch once again. All meals quick. Afternoon sitting was at first good then slowly to bad. The first sitting went fast. I think because of the breathing exercises we did earlier. The last sitting was sheer torture. Imagining stuffs... Just found out that communicating with the outside is not allowed so sneaking around. just had dinner. Just like a race. Today thought that the place is quite nice, cool, windy and all. And not as dirty due to the many ppl doing the cleaning. Night sitting was fine. Today had an insight into the what am i question. Will check with shi fu tmr. ZMDQ has left. But it is nice seeing him face to face at least once. He looks like a jolly guy. I figured the secret today for staying concentrated is sufficient sleep and aiming to have strong centre. Tonight was dharma talk by shi fu. No new insights. That's all sleep.
14 2nd day. ZM DQ has gone back so shifu will be conducting interviews today. Everyone gets a interview each day. Last time i couldn't pass the mu kong an under him. Don't know if will pass this time. Anyway, early morning sitting was all right. The second sitting was a little sleepy, dreaming, but overall it was ok. Did not sleep well last night. Got to go sleep. Through this meditation, i realised how dangerous thots can be. If i let some thots grow, they can take the whole retreat with it. Got whacked in meditation for the first time on the shoulders, it wasn't as hard and useful as i expected it to be..oh well...next time maybe i try the back. It is a rainy day today. Tic tac tic tac on the roof. My shit is done. Morning sitting was good. If i am right, getting into the groove alr. But as usual law of diminishing marginal returns. Afternoon sitting was fine. But interview was bad. Din even touch on yesterday's kongan. Got stuck at some other very basic function kong an. Dun really like those kinds of kong ans....hai... Sad.. But after the night's talk, i think should just work hard. Had a faith crisis for a moment till i remembered the 3 pillars of great faith, determination and doubt.. Maybe just do it la.. Just carry on practising even though cannot see the end or the goal..they are fasting tmr.. I am not. Donno will have bad repercussions or not.. Anyway, nightz.
15 3rd day. Decided to just go ahead regardless. Today early morning sitting was bad. First sitting was still ok, struggling albeit. Second sitting was disastrous. Kept on dreaming. I had to resort to counting breaths. Even so, i missed quite some breaths. I remembered that when i was younger, i never had problems with counting breaths. I could count all the way to 400 plus without missing a single breath. Now it is not so...maybe go catch some sleep, it'll be better. I don't know if it is me or what, but i tend to hold a kong an only for a few hours and will just settle for an ans, never being able to hold it overnight or something....gf din reply to sms last night.... So thinking abt it a bit too...hmmm so this is what outside communication does to your practice. But it is necessary. So what is correct situation? Hai... Oh just now at the second early morning sitting i volunteered to get whacked on the back by the head monk. Wasn't very useful..only stung for a while then back to sleepy. Morning sitting was good. Had interview. Solved a few kong ans. I think like 2 new ones? The old 5 fingers one still not solved. Reviewing through the kong ans that i solved, it seems that there is indeed a link and a kind of mind needed to solve these kong ans. To only don't know...i am getting am inkling as to what it is. I think i have to practice more... It is very obvious in the mu kong an i think. So just carry on. But the question is can i maintain this don't know mind till the next retreat at least a year later. i've got to really work hard. Starting not to be so attached to kong an maybe cos shi fu gave me a small clue.. But i think in actual fact it is not so important. Constant practice is more important. Afternoon sitting was excellent! The best sitting ever. I stablelised with the teaching of 'when bodhidharma sat at sorim for 9 years, he did not believe anything that arose in his mind'. In the diamond sutra, it is said that this world is like a dream, so why attach? But the truth is still the truth. And with the breathing method stablelised, i was able to meditate quite well. Time passed rather fast and i was quite clear. If anything arose, we should wake up to the truth and keep clear. Keep clear and let manifest the 16 foot golden buddha statue (let your Buddha nature manifest in your daily life and acivities to the fullest). I should take the next few days to stablelise more. Then it is come back next year or donno when. Today night sitting was fine. Just thinking if maybe my meditation might be missing the mark. Shifu today gave a great faith, great doubt, great effort talk. Motivated me to work harder and find my head. While chanting at night just now i realised that my practice not only can benefit me, but also can benefit those around me cos when i am strong, i can support my family, loved ones and friends. So i only have 3 days left. I should work hard and put down my opinions and find my 'missing head'. Ok that's all for today night!
16 early morning sitting was not bad too. Just a bit more stray thoughts. But my friend's sitting was not so good. Karmic hindrances.. The first time i was here, i also cut my stay short by a few days. This time my sitting was good. My friend was contemplating on staying or not but decided to stay after all. A bit happy, cos if he stays then i do not need to do translation. A bit selfish but yea. Haha. But how i hope he can master his mind. He thinks a lot and very fast... A bit difficult...the methods that i am used to may not work for him... The other of my friends are leaving today.. Hopefully they have gained. Haha, a small part of me also hopes they have not gained and solved to the same level as me, yea selfish, i know..hai....got to work more on this...hope everyone gains, seen and learnt something useful..ok yes a few more sessions. I got to work hard! Morning sitting was fine, a bit more sleepy and a bit more pain. Before my friends left, one of them suggested we do the 108 bows which we din do this morning cos all the other ppl were fasting. So we did and it took up my sleeping time in the morning time. So i was a little sleepy. Ldmr, but still managed to stay rather awake compared to last time tho i kept on yawning. Just wake up! Keep clear! Just now was looking through a kong an book. Got a few kong an can answer, a few cannot answer... Don't know whether correct or not. So a bit scared for later's interview. Alamak :s still make quite some few mistakes i think...have to ans shifu's kong an later... keep clear! Just do it! Yes! Don't check they say..have faith in my own experience..haha! Passed the five fingers kong an! And another. Got new homework. Got tricked by the teacher again..Getting to be better in concentration. Seems like the truth is everywhere indeed so focusing on the truth and breath, one can meditate. The truth is always fresh and clear. Just now the head monk re emphasized cannot use hp. Haha! Then someone looked at me. Then head monk recommend if really need use, then use at car park which when i went there, got already ppl there using! Haha! So i think it is the girls side kena complained. Then he also talked abt not talking abt other school's mediation method here. I see the guys side din do this so is most likely the girls. Night sitting was good. Actually i think i can only keep my concentration for like half min max each time. But i am getting the idea and my conc is enough to deal with leg pains. Today shi fu din give talk and wun give until after i go alr.. So we sat. I started thinking of going out stuff alr.. Affected my meditation a bit. Keep having to keep clear. Think i got from this meditation more than i asked for alr. Now i know how exactly to meditate alr but still scared may lose it in the hustle and bustle of life. So must maintain maybe 20 to 30 min of sitting per day. Remember all the key ideas of direction, keep clear, just do it. Never believe in the mind and breathe deep, keep strong centre. Yup ok, i think that's all for tonight. Well done for today. hmmm... One more thing, i seem to have achieved a lot this retreat. Scared may get complacent. Must look out. And everyday, before i meditate, i also look to my teachers from shinnyo-en for their protection and strength. I think it helps. Altho my understanding is not thorough, hopefully i dun stray when i go out.. That's all for tonight. Nightz!
17 early morning sitting was bad, first sitting had runny nose but still managed to sit after some time. Second sitting runny nose got better but started to get sleepy. Had the head monk to hit me but not much use. After hitting tho, my runny nose came back so was not sleepy anymore but dealing with runny nose. Hope it recovers soon. Today got much more mosquitoes than the last few days. But still less then the last time during my first retreat. Morning sitting was not too good rather distracted. Cant pass the flag kong an and another new one too..during today's sitting, another thing appeared. While hearing the bell for interview ring, seeing the trees sway. I suddenly had an insight into what i think is the not moving mind or mind ground.. I think this might be the aim. To clarify the mind ground. During afternoon sitting, i looked at the tree again for the first sitting.. In the end i think i might have got too attached to the tree or something and nothing happened. Then the second sitting, i tried again harder but got sleepy instead whereby i went back to the breathing deep and i got better. I changed my sitting cushion and position from a low flat cushion to a high slanted cushion and from a double lotus to a loose single lotus. I did not have back and leg pain, which i always had throughout these days but my right leg which was on top went numb. Think the cushion was too high. I also realised that when i returned to my third sitting, concentrating on my breathing, when it was stable, i looked up and saw the flags in the wind and had the mind ground feeling again, the non attachment feeling. However, compassion seems missing. After the sitting, i went bathing, and i saw 2 mosquitoes in the bath room. The fear was still there. Nothing has changed for that one. Hmmm.. I know that though i am able to ans the kong ans, i know that my understanding remains intellectual and not the real true deep understanding. I think i need more practice..more practice.. Are the mountain and the trees different? That is the problem. The ancestors has shown the path and the truth and the way. But i still cant get it..yea..more deeper practice. Just now had a the longest talk with my friend b4 night session abt kong ans.. Donno whether correct or not..never mind.. But the result was that my night first session was not v good. Spent a good 20 min reviewing my speech.. Then, couldn't really conc alr.. Then suspected if my steam is running out as the whole day also not too good. Second session decided to conc on breathing deep again. Managed to do it. Started to review what i learnt here, reviewed my kong an home work and thought of donno mind. I actually know what is it le..hai..it's so simple: Just do something fully without any thoughts. that's it. Even meditation also is just staying in donno mind while breathing deep to build strong centre so can always keep clear. Then some times look around just stay with the input of your senses with donno mind, not naming or identifying anything, which is usually the first thing that our mind does.. That's it. But the teachings of correct direction, keep clear, just do it, try try try all need strong centre and cultivation of donno mind thru practice. And with donno mind one attains the truths and together with strong centre, one is able to discern the kong ans and solve them and not fall into any tricks. To solve the kong ans, one needs to identify the correct situation, then decide the correct function and or relationship, all there with clear mind. But kong ans are just riddles of situations which supposed to mimic real life situations where all the teachings of this school of zen is supposed to be used. Ok that's all. Fingers tired, rest. Last day. Yes! Gf haven't reply.. Sleep..nightz.
18 last day, leaving at noon. Early morning sitting was bad, plagued by thoughts of going home and gf only to the last 10 min of the 2nd session of the early morning then managed to recover. Managed to clear one kong an. The flag one still not cleared. My teaching ans is not good it seems.. Now on the way home. Feel calmer than before retreat. Can freely do meditation with the circumstances and situation that i am in. Quite amazing, what i have learnt. Thank you everyone :)
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