Anger, feelings and I

Yesterday night, I had a dream about my work. During working hours, I was just chit chatting with my friend as usual, but my team leader came over and just sort of told me to do work. Well, he is a nice guy so it is in a half joking manner. However, I retorted that we sometimes need a break and it is not that I did not do work! So anyway, then I sort of got into a mildly heated argument with him but i had my anger under control, not losing control. Just letting some heat out. Anyway, it is interesting to note how anger comes up so quickly. And I also thought about what Ven Revata talked about last night, about not participating in the anger and just seeing it as it is. Well, what does this mean?

There are some teachers who teach you to see anger as not "i" elements. Basically realising that the anger is not me. That we do not identify with it. But that i feel is not the best way. Because, in this way, we still see things as "I" and "not I", creating duality still. But then, what is "I", what really is "I"? It is a big mistake still... Seeing things in this way, "I" just become smaller but there is still the I which exists. We should see things just as it really is. What is anger? What is feelings, other than these things that appear in our mind, like the visions of things that appear in our mind, in our world, like pens and chairs and tables. They are just like that. But feelings like anger, they catch on so quickly like they are they are the hook side of the velcro and we, our minds are the cloth side of the velcro. So easy for these feelings to hook on. But they are just as they are. We must see things clearly.

Also, interestingly, when I woke up, I could still feel the fire, like a small irritation could cause it to erupt, really dangerous...

You are

You are the trees, the tables, the mountains, the clouds, you are everything! But do you realise that you are master Zhaozhou?!! The ancestor passed himself onto you!!

The unhelpful passerby

Oh no i'm bad, i just saw girl squating on the floor at the train station looking uncomfortable but i din care abt her cos i was rushing for time. Thus i've decided tt next time i will go ask if i can help in anyway because, it doesn't really matter if i am late for work, but at that time, the lady could just b needing someone beside her more. And even if she doesn't need by help, doesn't hurt to ask. At least someone cares.

Grasp hold of it

This breathless, nameless, tasteless state, thoroughly grasp hold of it!

Ground of Being

There's been this nagging feeling in me for sime time that i got thoroughly resolve the issue, to get to the base. Yes, i feel it's time, time i got thoroughly to this ground of being, this background, this unmoving place, constantly in flux, yet unmovingly so, where all things are born n died, or are never born n never died. This place, it's about time i finished the job n got there, or rather entered, become thoroughly familiar with it, become it so that i might then function freely in all circumstances without trace. I have to get there! I need to solve the Great Problem of Life n Death n become a real human being again.

New Zen Place

Yesterday, i visited the sambokyodan zen place of Vivien Boey and Boey Wa Keong which i always wanted to go. I sat with them for an hour out of the 2 hrs that the meditation is supposed to last. Apparently they r quite active, it's in the apartment of the teachers' whr an area is designated as a zendo. They r having sittings every wed nights n alternate sunday mornings. The style n rules r similar to Kwan Yin Chan Lin's (kycl) korean style of Zen Master Seung Sahn whr i practised; sitting facing the wall, bowing in front of the cushions etc, doing 25 min meditation n 5 min walking. Slightly shorter than the 40 min plus 5 min of ZM SS. They hv teisho, dhamma talks on koans every last wed of the month n also hv interviews, called dokusan, like kycl. They have sesshins, 7 day retreats, also in the apartment, in every april n sept whr kubota roshi, the current head of the order comes down to lead. Both the teachers are sanctioned to teach by the order. Looking forward to gg there more often to clarify the great matter!

New sights

Ohh working people on trains, wearing jackets n shirts, once familiar...

Some stuff on koans

It is always interesting to hear what people think about zen. While many a times, zen seems to be centering on words and mysterious riddles called koans; in actual fact, zen is not only abt words but actions. It is not only about what we say but what we do and how we do it. In short, how we respond to the situation that is presented in front of us.

One zen master once said that 'opening one's mouth is a big mistake', because zen believes in the liberation from concepts and words only introduces more concepts which leads one away from Truth. Yet, in zen there is also another saying, 'but words are necessary' as without words there is no way to lead people into the practice.

However, zen ultimately values only experience. The heartfelt experience of the emptiness of forms, impermenance, non self and suffering is zen's real aim. This experiences irreversibly changes one's psyche and thus one's response to situations.

Koans, many a times, present situations. Situations that simulate real life situations. A person who has a deep experience responds differently to a situation from a normal person and that is how the answer to a koan is judged to be correct or wrong. It is not a perfect method though and answers can actually be memorised or deduced. However to a good zen master, a keen eyed one, if he suspects that the student merely memorised the answers or copied them from someone, the zen master may ask for an alternative answer or present a koan of a similar situation and press the student for a response. If the student has a clear experience, it would not be difficult to answer in a different way or to another similar koan. If to the first koan, the student merely deduced the answer without the necessary experience, or only has a weak experience, he would be slow in answering other similar koans. If it is found that the person has a weak expeirence or is able to deduce the answers, the zen masters usually present more koans to the student to 'polish' the student's view. I should add a disclaimer here that it is not the case where a student who has passed all the koans would be able to respond to all situations in his life correctly and are 'enlightened' with the Right View. This is because koans are only simulations of situations and are ultimately not the real situations. Thus the real test still lies in facing the situations in one's daily lives. In short, zen masters are not perfect, they are just people who have a clearer view of how things really are compared to regular people. The 'enlightenment' that students in zen stories experience are usually not that of attaining the Right View, but just glimpses of the Right View. We too get these at times, an Aha! moment.

A common misconception people have about koans is that they are word questions, riddles, which are in turn to be answered by word answers. In actual fact, zen adopts the principle: actions speak louder than words. Words are not enough, you have to do something about the situation at hand, not just talk. That's why you sometimes hear zen masters saying things like if you open your mouth, he will hit you 30 times, if you do not say anything, he will also hit you 30 times. He is in fact pushing you to act, do something about the situation (koan) not just talk or not do anything (sometimes not doing anything might also be the answer though). You might say zen koan training sometimes also teaches you how to deal with situations.

Lastly, if koans still sound like a mystery, as a final attempt to demystify koans, i would like to end off by saying that many of the answers to the initial first level koans are about the present situation. These koans point to the present, current situation, what is happening now, what is in front of you, what are you feeling, what is this current sensation, asking one to be mindful of the present situation, what is happening now, rather than the past or future.

Hope this helps! :)

Holiday ends

Holiday ends n i am back to work. How i wish i could sleep a little longer. There is this resistance to go back to work. Acty it is not so much of gg bdck to work but gg back to work plus all the extra activities i have like classes etc, the whole barrage of stuff. It's like retreating from samsara n returning to samsara. Ict is so simple you at least know yourself. Samsara is so fast it just blows you along with it regardless of what you want.

ICT

ICT shows one's true colours. Its is the school of army which provides one with the space to learn about oneself and to reflect. The holiday has ended n one returns to the daily life.
I've been feeling that i have to do something. I have to get deeper down, to completely uproot, completely eradicate, to thoroughly understand, to raise the space to a whole new level.