Back pain!!!

AHHHHHHH! Back pain!!! Been like this for almost a week alr...thot i was going to recover a few days ago but it came back even worse!! Will be going to see the doc tmr. Even had difficulty getting down from bed. Terrible!! It all started with a sneeze. Really old alr..and also i think there is some problem with my back..got to get it treated.

Zen retreat 2

12 Dec First night, reached at 10 plus. Managed to steal some sleep on the car while on the way here. Shi fu kindly sent us here. Talked and learnt quite a bit of dharma in the car abt how to set a direction and follow a path thru and thru and dun give up. Shi fu always emphasized not giving up. bathed late. My phobia of the dirtyness of the place was coming back. Here with kwek, wl, mf, and hy. Kept my push up regime. Time to sleep.

13 Dec woke up with a shock. Washed up and sat for the first meditation. Was good for the first 10 min and slept thru the rest. At least the bowing was good. May have an ans for who am i. Eating the oryoki style was rather fun but a bit unclean. Early mornin meditation was terrible. Was practically dreaming through the whole thing. Maybe too sleepy.. Got to do something abt it. I don't have many chances. Have to make each one worth it! Yup got it in the interview. Passed a few kong an. So it is indeed that zen is nothing special. My meditation wasn't that wonderful at first. But it got much better after the interview. I think i now know how to meditate the zen style. Seems like the masters have always been talking abt it. Just had the quick lunch once again. All meals quick. Afternoon sitting was at first good then slowly to bad. The first sitting went fast. I think because of the breathing exercises we did earlier. The last sitting was sheer torture. Imagining stuffs... Just found out that communicating with the outside is not allowed so sneaking around. just had dinner. Just like a race. Today thought that the place is quite nice, cool, windy and all. And not as dirty due to the many ppl doing the cleaning. Night sitting was fine. Today had an insight into the what am i question. Will check with shi fu tmr. ZMDQ has left. But it is nice seeing him face to face at least once. He looks like a jolly guy. I figured the secret today for staying concentrated is sufficient sleep and aiming to have strong centre. Tonight was dharma talk by shi fu. No new insights. That's all sleep.

14 2nd day. ZM DQ has gone back so shifu will be conducting interviews today. Everyone gets a interview each day. Last time i couldn't pass the mu kong an under him. Don't know if will pass this time. Anyway, early morning sitting was all right. The second sitting was a little sleepy, dreaming, but overall it was ok. Did not sleep well last night. Got to go sleep. Through this meditation, i realised how dangerous thots can be. If i let some thots grow, they can take the whole retreat with it. Got whacked in meditation for the first time on the shoulders, it wasn't as hard and useful as i expected it to be..oh well...next time maybe i try the back. It is a rainy day today. Tic tac tic tac on the roof. My shit is done. Morning sitting was good. If i am right, getting into the groove alr. But as usual law of diminishing marginal returns. Afternoon sitting was fine. But interview was bad. Din even touch on yesterday's kongan. Got stuck at some other very basic function kong an. Dun really like those kinds of kong ans....hai... Sad.. But after the night's talk, i think should just work hard. Had a faith crisis for a moment till i remembered the 3 pillars of great faith, determination and doubt.. Maybe just do it la.. Just carry on practising even though cannot see the end or the goal..they are fasting tmr.. I am not. Donno will have bad repercussions or not.. Anyway, nightz.

15 3rd day. Decided to just go ahead regardless. Today early morning sitting was bad. First sitting was still ok, struggling albeit. Second sitting was disastrous. Kept on dreaming. I had to resort to counting breaths. Even so, i missed quite some breaths. I remembered that when i was younger, i never had problems with counting breaths. I could count all the way to 400 plus without missing a single breath. Now it is not so...maybe go catch some sleep, it'll be better. I don't know if it is me or what, but i tend to hold a kong an only for a few hours and will just settle for an ans, never being able to hold it overnight or something....gf din reply to sms last night.... So thinking abt it a bit too...hmmm so this is what outside communication does to your practice. But it is necessary. So what is correct situation? Hai... Oh just now at the second early morning sitting i volunteered to get whacked on the back by the head monk. Wasn't very useful..only stung for a while then back to sleepy. Morning sitting was good. Had interview. Solved a few kong ans. I think like 2 new ones? The old 5 fingers one still not solved. Reviewing through the kong ans that i solved, it seems that there is indeed a link and a kind of mind needed to solve these kong ans. To only don't know...i am getting am inkling as to what it is. I think i have to practice more... It is very obvious in the mu kong an i think. So just carry on. But the question is can i maintain this don't know mind till the next retreat at least a year later. i've got to really work hard. Starting not to be so attached to kong an maybe cos shi fu gave me a small clue.. But i think in actual fact it is not so important. Constant practice is more important. Afternoon sitting was excellent! The best sitting ever. I stablelised with the teaching of 'when bodhidharma sat at sorim for 9 years, he did not believe anything that arose in his mind'. In the diamond sutra, it is said that this world is like a dream, so why attach? But the truth is still the truth. And with the breathing method stablelised, i was able to meditate quite well. Time passed rather fast and i was quite clear. If anything arose, we should wake up to the truth and keep clear. Keep clear and let manifest the 16 foot golden buddha statue (let your Buddha nature manifest in your daily life and acivities to the fullest). I should take the next few days to stablelise more. Then it is come back next year or donno when. Today night sitting was fine. Just thinking if maybe my meditation might be missing the mark. Shifu today gave a great faith, great doubt, great effort talk. Motivated me to work harder and find my head. While chanting at night just now i realised that my practice not only can benefit me, but also can benefit those around me cos when i am strong, i can support my family, loved ones and friends. So i only have 3 days left. I should work hard and put down my opinions and find my 'missing head'. Ok that's all for today night!

16 early morning sitting was not bad too. Just a bit more stray thoughts. But my friend's sitting was not so good. Karmic hindrances.. The first time i was here, i also cut my stay short by a few days. This time my sitting was good. My friend was contemplating on staying or not but decided to stay after all. A bit happy, cos if he stays then i do not need to do translation. A bit selfish but yea. Haha. But how i hope he can master his mind. He thinks a lot and very fast... A bit difficult...the methods that i am used to may not work for him... The other of my friends are leaving today.. Hopefully they have gained. Haha, a small part of me also hopes they have not gained and solved to the same level as me, yea selfish, i know..hai....got to work more on this...hope everyone gains, seen and learnt something useful..ok yes a few more sessions. I got to work hard! Morning sitting was fine, a bit more sleepy and a bit more pain. Before my friends left, one of them suggested we do the 108 bows which we din do this morning cos all the other ppl were fasting. So we did and it took up my sleeping time in the morning time. So i was a little sleepy. Ldmr, but still managed to stay rather awake compared to last time tho i kept on yawning. Just wake up! Keep clear! Just now was looking through a kong an book. Got a few kong an can answer, a few cannot answer... Don't know whether correct or not. So a bit scared for later's interview. Alamak :s still make quite some few mistakes i think...have to ans shifu's kong an later... keep clear! Just do it! Yes! Don't check they say..have faith in my own experience..haha! Passed the five fingers kong an! And another. Got new homework. Got tricked by the teacher again..Getting to be better in concentration. Seems like the truth is everywhere indeed so focusing on the truth and breath, one can meditate. The truth is always fresh and clear. Just now the head monk re emphasized cannot use hp. Haha! Then someone looked at me. Then head monk recommend if really need use, then use at car park which when i went there, got already ppl there using! Haha! So i think it is the girls side kena complained. Then he also talked abt not talking abt other school's mediation method here. I see the guys side din do this so is most likely the girls. Night sitting was good. Actually i think i can only keep my concentration for like half min max each time. But i am getting the idea and my conc is enough to deal with leg pains. Today shi fu din give talk and wun give until after i go alr.. So we sat. I started thinking of going out stuff alr.. Affected my meditation a bit. Keep having to keep clear. Think i got from this meditation more than i asked for alr. Now i know how exactly to meditate alr but still scared may lose it in the hustle and bustle of life. So must maintain maybe 20 to 30 min of sitting per day. Remember all the key ideas of direction, keep clear, just do it. Never believe in the mind and breathe deep, keep strong centre. Yup ok, i think that's all for tonight. Well done for today. hmmm... One more thing, i seem to have achieved a lot this retreat. Scared may get complacent. Must look out. And everyday, before i meditate, i also look to my teachers from shinnyo-en for their protection and strength. I think it helps. Altho my understanding is not thorough, hopefully i dun stray when i go out.. That's all for tonight. Nightz!

17 early morning sitting was bad, first sitting had runny nose but still managed to sit after some time. Second sitting runny nose got better but started to get sleepy. Had the head monk to hit me but not much use. After hitting tho, my runny nose came back so was not sleepy anymore but dealing with runny nose. Hope it recovers soon. Today got much more mosquitoes than the last few days. But still less then the last time during my first retreat. Morning sitting was not too good rather distracted. Cant pass the flag kong an and another new one too..during today's sitting, another thing appeared. While hearing the bell for interview ring, seeing the trees sway. I suddenly had an insight into what i think is the not moving mind or mind ground.. I think this might be the aim. To clarify the mind ground. During afternoon sitting, i looked at the tree again for the first sitting.. In the end i think i might have got too attached to the tree or something and nothing happened. Then the second sitting, i tried again harder but got sleepy instead whereby i went back to the breathing deep and i got better. I changed my sitting cushion and position from a low flat cushion to a high slanted cushion and from a double lotus to a loose single lotus. I did not have back and leg pain, which i always had throughout these days but my right leg which was on top went numb. Think the cushion was too high. I also realised that when i returned to my third sitting, concentrating on my breathing, when it was stable, i looked up and saw the flags in the wind and had the mind ground feeling again, the non attachment feeling. However, compassion seems missing. After the sitting, i went bathing, and i saw 2 mosquitoes in the bath room. The fear was still there. Nothing has changed for that one. Hmmm.. I know that though i am able to ans the kong ans, i know that my understanding remains intellectual and not the real true deep understanding. I think i need more practice..more practice.. Are the mountain and the trees different? That is the problem. The ancestors has shown the path and the truth and the way. But i still cant get it..yea..more deeper practice. Just now had a the longest talk with my friend b4 night session abt kong ans.. Donno whether correct or not..never mind.. But the result was that my night first session was not v good. Spent a good 20 min reviewing my speech.. Then, couldn't really conc alr.. Then suspected if my steam is running out as the whole day also not too good. Second session decided to conc on breathing deep again. Managed to do it. Started to review what i learnt here, reviewed my kong an home work and thought of donno mind. I actually know what is it le..hai..it's so simple: Just do something fully without any thoughts. that's it. Even meditation also is just staying in donno mind while breathing deep to build strong centre so can always keep clear. Then some times look around just stay with the input of your senses with donno mind, not naming or identifying anything, which is usually the first thing that our mind does.. That's it. But the teachings of correct direction, keep clear, just do it, try try try all need strong centre and cultivation of donno mind thru practice. And with donno mind one attains the truths and together with strong centre, one is able to discern the kong ans and solve them and not fall into any tricks. To solve the kong ans, one needs to identify the correct situation, then decide the correct function and or relationship, all there with clear mind. But kong ans are just riddles of situations which supposed to mimic real life situations where all the teachings of this school of zen is supposed to be used. Ok that's all. Fingers tired, rest. Last day. Yes! Gf haven't reply.. Sleep..nightz.

18 last day, leaving at noon. Early morning sitting was bad, plagued by thoughts of going home and gf only to the last 10 min of the 2nd session of the early morning then managed to recover. Managed to clear one kong an. The flag one still not cleared. My teaching ans is not good it seems.. Now on the way home. Feel calmer than before retreat. Can freely do meditation with the circumstances and situation that i am in. Quite amazing, what i have learnt. Thank you everyone :)

What is sad? What is happy?

An ancient once said,"What is sad? What is happy?"

Today sad, tomorrow happy. Nothing more than a passing thought or emotion. If you think you are sad, and thinking, you continue to be sad. No thinking, no sad. Important thing is to break the train of thought.

More important than that, an ancient once said, "Not to be attached to anything which arises in the mind."

Today got great attachment to this. Tomorrow asking where did the great attachment go. Today this tomorrow that. Let go of all attachments and the world becomes clear again.

Sadness is good Dharma. It is where the Buddha first started his teaching.

AH..

SAd....

Noble 8 Fold Path from Cattarisaka Sutta

Today, I went for the class on the Noble 8 Fold Path by Bro Piya and came back really happy. All my life i have been a Buddhist, and have studied and heard of the 8 Fold Path many times. But today, Bro Piya taught from the sutta directly, the Cattaridaka Sitta(Discourse on the Great Forty).

It is very interesting, a new way of learning and using that brings a new dimension. It is a sutra that the Buddha started talking without being asked a qustion. It is VERY systematic so I'll try to summarise its structure here. But if you want to know the defination, please look up the sutta.

First, the Buddha told the monks that He'll teach them Noble Right Concentration and its supports and requisites today...

And how does one get Right Noble Concentration?
Through the cultivation of the 7 Noble Right Paths which are the supports and requisites that He was talking abt just now.

So, He started by telling them and defining first what is Right View, then Right Intention, then Right Speech, then Right Action and finally Right Livelihood.

And in each of this 5 paths path, He would explain two ways of practicing the path.

1. The Right _____ with mental influxes, partaking of merit and ripening in acquisistions(of aggregates).

2. The Right _____ which is Noble without mental influxes, supramundane , a path factor.

The first is the mudane, normal day, normal guy method of the path. The next is the high level, high class method of the path.

Next, at the end of every path, he would say,

"One who makes an effort to give up _______(give up this particular wrong path) to cultivate the __________(cultivate the particular right path), this is one's right effort"

and

"One who is mindful gives up _______(give up this particular wrong path) to dwell cultivating __________(cultivate the particular right path), this is one's right mindfulness"

then He would basically say that:

Right View with Right Effort with Right Mindfulness is the way to cultivate this particular Right Path.

So this way of speaking is repeated 5 times for Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action and Right Livelihood.

Finally, after cultivating all these 7 Right Paths, one gets Right Concentration.

And, next, get Right Concentration to do what?
To cultivate Right Knowledge and Right Liberation then gain Arahanthood.

There, the 10 Rightness is completed. *Bow*_(|)_

It is really Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu!! Excellent!!! Everything is explained systematically and clearly.

But do you get what I mean? If you don't ask me next time or google the sutta yourself.


The other interesting thing is that in the Right Livelihood, I usually only learn of only Right occupation/job. Which is not to engage in jobs which violates the 5 precepts or cause them to be violated eg.dealing in arms, in beings, in meat, in intoxicants and poisons. However, in the sutra there is more, not to engage in

1. Deceitful pretensions(to attainments),
2. Flattery(for gain),
3. Subtle insinuation or hinting (for gain),
4. Pressuring (for offerings), and
5. Pursuing gain for gain.

However, this applies more to the monastics. But it is really interesting, because I do 2,3,4 and 5 all the time while scheming of ways to obtain things. So it is really an eye opener today. Really interesting. Thanks Bro. Piya!! Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu!

Ritual 2

Well, after writing about the post about rituals the night before, while I was offering the incense this morning, I fell into a common error. I call it using your brain to offer. You see, I was thinking too much abt the offering, thinking too much abt the perfect offering according to what i wrote. Using thinking to generate the offering mind. In fact, it should not be this way.

While doing my evening chanting just now, I observed again and found that there is a method that I use. The feeling of offering is generated just before the offering and it is not the thought or idea of offering. It is a feeling which arises not from the head but from the heart. If you have any experience of meditation on feelings, you will get what i mean. So you generate a feeling, have a feeling, let it flow and flood through you, and then do the offering or chanting or dedication of merits. That is how it could be done. However, once you are familiar with the process, the generation of feeling part can be completed in a shorter period of time. Some also use the first few lines or moments in the chant to generate the feeling. The important thing here is the feeling of offering, of giving. The chant or ritual/action may be meaningless to you intellectually, but because of the feelings invested, it is meaningful. That is how it should be. At least as far as i know or my level of practice is concerned. So a ritual is actually a very personal thing and very feeling based thing and not an intellectual, mind thing. So the best is not to try to understand it from that way. Try to feel the ritual, not understand it intellectually. That is why rituals is an integral part of esoteric Buddhism. My master explains that esoteric means inside, deep, feelings, not surface and intellectual. Esoteric touches the heart of things, and comes from the heart.

Sorry if it is confusing. I know that in the first post, I keep talking about the mind. But this is the problem with a chinese translation into english. The word 心 in chinese is used which is usually translates into mind. However, it actually encompasses heart and mind. So when I speak of mind, it is not intellectual mind. It is heart mind, body mind but not intellectual thinking mind. Intellectual mind is not useful most of the time when pursuing religion.

Rituals

The 100th post will be on rituals. I just came back from a Homa service. It is basically an intense fire ritual said to be able to purify our minds bring us good fortune.

I have been thinking why I like rituals so much...Well....I think it all started from the day when at NTU's Dharma camp, when we wanted to present a gift to the Venerable at Palelai Temple, the Venerable said that this gift should not be a gift to me because I have preached the Dharma(not the exact words but the meaning is the same). The Dharma is priceless. And it should not be a gift to me. When you present it, present it to the whole sangha community. Think of it in such a way. Also, when the person is presenting it to me, do not think that HE is presenting it to me. Partake in this offering and view it as we are also presenting it to him together with the representative.

This forms the backbone of rituals. It is a bit of mudita, sympathetic joy, but more than that even. In rituals, if there is someone performing the ritual, study and know its significance yourself and you should view that you and the person performing the ritual are not separate from him or her, when the person is moving, you are moving(while not literally moving),watch the person closely, when the person is chanting, you are in concentration, perfectly in union with the person performing the ritual. Whatever the person does, you partake in it. YOU ARE IT! Mind, body and heart. That is how a participant should be in a ritual. Being one, your merit is limitless.

If you are the one doing the ritual, there must be full concentration on the action. In a wave of the hand, there is only a wave, the whole body and mind is waving. In the forming of a mudra, there is the mind body and heart all in it, not separate. The concept of union and separate does not even exist at that time of doing. Nothing at all, just that. Intention, movement and all in unison. With the chanting of the mantra, the mind has nothing, just the mantra. One way of chanting is to hear the pure words. The other is to summon out the pure intention. It is so with rituals too....

In rituals, the mind is in complete movement/stillness.. The hands move but it never actually did. There is just it...or for some, the projection, with all your mind and heart and action and speech. There is just that, the demonstration.

That is how rituals are done and should be partaken in from what I know. It is only through true participation in a ritual that one can gain the benefits of it. It is indeed sad that many of the Buddhists these days do not see or think much of ritual and undermine its use.

If it is still unclear, I shall describe the example of the offering of incense. In offering the incense, we take the incense in our hand, with one stroke right to the end, light it with the flame, looking at the flame. Then look at the red burning part, with another swift stroke right to the end, flick the fire off. Form the incense offering mudra and with the pure heart of offering, raise the mudra to the point between your eyebrows and place the incense in the burner. The ritual is complete. Nothing more, nothing less. The form may vary but the heart and mind and the cleanness of the stroke are the essentials.

The movements reflect the mind.
So movement is none other than mind.
And the mind is the ritual.
That is all. After the ritual is done, it is done.

My dear Buddhism

Oh my god! I love buddhism sooooo much. Spent the last few days watching Buddhist videos, downloading buddhist videos, buying buddhist books etc.

Got one book by Shibayama Roshi on the Mumonkan, one tranlation of Dogen by Tanahashi, one commentary by Ven Tich Nhat Hanh(Nothing to do, nowhere to go) on the Record of the Zen Teachings of master Rinzai(Linji), one book on Rituals and lithurgy called Bringing the Sacred to Life By John Daido Loori, and another book which is the english translation of Soko Moringa's autobiography. I just LOOOOVE biographies, they detail the steps a master took to become a master.

Recently I just finished Ajahn Lee's Autobiography. Finally!

And I am also reading this book by Chong An Sunim: The Flowers and the Bee. I like this book a lot, it is very down to earth Dharma. Very simple and clear. I just like the style of Chong An Sunim. Got a few videos of him.

Haha, as you can see, I have been chasing after externals of Buddhism for the last few weeks. When will I make other ppls' words my own?

Oh yea, I also got some videos of Shodo Harada Roshi. Very interesting. Never really noticed him until now. A disciple of the Master Yamada Mumon. Din know such a master existed until now.

Oh....my english has been rather terrible lately, can't even express something in proper english. Got to do something about it. Hmmm....change...

Watch..

Meditation Class in NUS!!

In order to concentrate on one style of meditation, I typically don't go for classes of other meditation styles. However, hearing how good Ajahn Keng was, I decided to go down to check him out.

Indeed, after the meditation session by him, I realise that there is not much difference in meditation at the beginning level. He taught us to concentrate on our breath and keep our attention there, how we can analyse our thoughts and actions in our daily life and so on. All the basic stuff, but the long term practice, long time to master stuff. It was really a great experience, sitting there, hearing a monk talk, laugh, meditate, contemplate.. Some of the stuff he said about situations and how we should face them as a Buddhist is all very useful. The part about our training being in our everyday lives, our actions, when he said it, though i have heard before, with my present experience, I feel it more strongly.

In the end, with a joy that seems to bubble up from my heart to my whole being, I left the session happily. Thinking how nice it would be if he can come every week. Learning Dharma in the campus, this is really learning Dharma in the campus. It is during such a time, I truely love and appreciate my being able to stay on campus and hear such good Dharma. It is indeed food for the heart. A great blessing as it is said in the Mangala Sutta. Hopefully, more ppl can come to listen to this Dharma talk. Hopefully those that com will not leave unsatisfied. Hopefully my friends who do not stay on campus will continue to come for the meditation course and may they not face any conflict or resistance in trying to come to hear this good Dharma.

But then again, haha, I read in Ajahn Chah's 'A Still Forest Pool' that he once told his disciple who wanted to hear him more often that if he came often, they would also find him boring! Haha!

Friction

It is interesting how we respond so readily to another party's bad attitude with bad attitude and how relationships get so easily affected by words. Maybe because the relationship is weak, maybe the people are sensitive, maybe the parties are bad with words.

Whatever the case, as a Buddhist practitioner and more importantly a Zen student, it is very impt that I should not get attached to words and should not be trapped in mental situations that other ppl present to me. How could I make such a mistake?? It is indeed a terrible mistake. Now I see the severity of it, the situations that happen before my eyes, how blind am I to them. I have really got to pracctice harder.

Should have known, my master had warned me to be careful of my words during this period of time as this is a time of much friction between me and others. It is indeed unfolding as what my master had warned of. _(|)_ But it is indeed great Buddhist training. Hopefully while I am working on my flaws, no one is sacrificed. This i hope with all sincereity.

To all those whom I have offended whether in speech, action or thought, I sincerely apologise and ask for your forgiveness. I promise that I will work hard to eliminate my flaws. But if I make any mistakes along the way, please point it out to me and have patience with me. Thank you.

Summoning the earth touching mudra

Damn, the schedule is tight! Got to work damn hard!!! Sorry everyone but I need to work hard this sem and especially this week and put in some focus effort like TS.

To know what you nid to do and do what you nid to.

Have to master the essence of the earth touching mudra.

Hiayhh!!!!!!! With my eat milk strength, JUST DO IT!!

Ok man, going back to study mode emanrohe.

Understanding

Sigh.... don't understand!But I do, just that it is not my time yet! Hahaha! When I am in a similar state of mind, I will naturally behave in a similar fashion. So how can I say that I do not understand when in fact I do understand very well. It is only when we go through it with the circumstances and all the same factors involved that we truely know what is happening. And when we do, we can truely understand and sympathise with ppl. Till then...

Why do we get sucked into situations all the time, sucked into the jail that our 6 senses, thinking and feelings create for us. Reading the Zen Teachings of Rinzai, he equates a Dharma Combats to be like sucking ppl into situations and keeping a clear mind. How similar to real life. How I wish that I can be clear all the time. When is the day I wonder...

Back from retreat into the real world

Ah...it's been a long time since I have posted anything. Let me start from after the retreat, after the retreat, I was really great and could put my meditation to great use dealing with worldly problems and i meditated a lot everyday, almost 30 min every morning. I was very happy and carefree everyday.

However, as i took on more duties or rather more duties piled on me, my meditation got less. I was thinking that since tdy no time, nvm, tmr. So keep on tmr but i try to meditate all the time still and would usually meditate if there is nothing in particular that morning to do. However, moments of deep concentration still happened. I rmb there was a time where I truely understood the meaning of now when Bro Piya mentioned that we were like in heaven in his class. It was truely so. When he said that, all my past fell away, my future became unimportant and i was just there sitting in an airconditioned room listening attentive to him teaching the dharma. In that moment, my mind was as if a great burden had dropped and i suddenly became v happy.

Now as i write this, my term has ended. the new committee has taken over and i have taken the back seat. It is indeed heartening to se the new committee take over, yet, I still find myself being very kepo when it is time to take on a new role and move on. Correct function, correct relation, correct action.

I have also got a room in school. Feel very great, peaceful. With an altar at my table, i do my morning rituals and evening rituals. A good way to start and end the day. I have always liked these rituals, unlike the modern Buddhist who donot understand the essence and spirit behind these rituals. Every ritual is an expression of the mind and the spirit. Every step requires great mindfulness. It is a training to strengthen both mindfulness, faith, and reduce one's ego. Also, i think if this goes on, i'll build in more and more rituals and it will become difficult to follow for the next generation and the essence will be lost again. As such, ritual, i feel is a very personal thing.

Here in hostel, I spent almost 2/3 to 4/5 of the day alone, not talking. This is really true destress and peace. Great indeed!!

My first Zen and meditation retreat

July 3: Nothing much, arrived on that day by the last boat of the day, luckily I met Lee, if not I would not be able to find my way to the place as there were no taxis left by that time at the new harbour. Must call the security to call in the cab. If not call the temple to call a cab for us.

July 4: Legs were getting more and more painful but I stuck with using the double lotus. Think the answer to Mu is the thing in front of you. It is very hot, we had to sit in the main Dharma Hall for afternoon session meditation. There were just so many mosquitoes and houseflies, totally irritating. One housefly even went into my shirt from my sleeve.

July 5: Could not concentrate for the morning sittings. Changed many methods to meditate on Mu:

1. Repeat the story of the koan over and over again many times

2. Count 1 breath next breath mu and repeat

3. Say (intone) breathe in, breathe out until stable, then say clear mind, mu and synchronise with breath

4. did an interview, I answered Mu with taking out a packet of tissue paper from my pocket. It was wrong. Shifu asked me the kong an for what is eyes, ears nose, mouth used for and I passed easily except for the mouth one, which he told me to ask him back whereby he gave me a really correct function and good answer.

My last method was just intoning clear mind and mu all the way. I find that the trick is not to let the eyes wander around themselves. Sometimes, my mind still wonders with this the intoning of the clear mind and mu would bring them back. Today afternoon was cooler as it was about to rain when we sat there. Night sitting that night was bad. Can’t remember why at the moment of writing.

July 6: Morning was bad, din sleep well, it seems although I slept throughout until3.50am but morning still slept a lot more for the 2 remaining session.

Afternoon was good, ok 1^st session got into sing the breathe in, mu…..that time it as no problem.

July 7: morning It always seems that first morning sittings are always quite terrible. Plagued by sleepiness and all. It was just torturous. Wanting to move and get up. But couldn't. However, after the sitting, the bowing, and waking in the park, i find myself asking for more. It also seems that for all the great vows of a bodhisattva, morning when i wake up, it just seems that it is so difficult. The monks life is really difficult. I find myself asking what am i doing here. And that i want to go back home to civilian life. Morning, when i wake up, i think, the sittings are sheer torture! Just what am i doing this for? Time just seems to fly away. The mozzies bites are really terrible. There must be like at least 40 from the last few days here and they do get itchy now and then.

On the other hand, breathe in breathe out mu is like slowly becoming my friend. It is like always with me, always just beside. Calling mu mu mu, like trying to create some relationship between mu and myself. I have an answer in mind, dono if it will be the correct one. Morning session, first incense was plagued by leg pain at the end. Second incense, Tried an intensive breathe in and out mu, the kind which is like panting, no break between the breaths, no space for thoughts to come in. was great, after i stopped abruptly, donno why, all was quiet. That was it. And i could breathe long long breaths after that. Peaceful till the end. Then next session tried to start the intensive session again. Couldn't work at first. Just din feel right. Then i reverted to taking it slow and using long deep breaths. Then all of a sudden, the urge came, and it started, the panting. I tried my best to carry it through right till the end of the session, my double lotus leg pain din bother me, unlike the first session. The second session was single lotus, no problem. The last session, i tried my best until i got some strange sensation all over my body. Like tingling, a bit of numbness, was very hot. Maybe because of the effort. And was breathing through the dantian. But that was it, the chukpi sounded and it ended. No special thing happened. I am still i. After lunch, strange, while before the morning sitting, mu was a friend constantly with me. Now it is gone. I think there is something wrong...Afternoon session didn't go well, i did a session myself before the afternoon one started. That one went well, became very calm and serene after that. But when i shifted down, maybe because of the mozzies, couldn't concentrate at all. Am very disheartened. Cant even keep my attention on my breath.... They said, dont check and just do it go straight only. So that is what i am going to do, donno if it is right, but i will just keep my attention on my breath for as long and as many times as i can in between all the discursive thoughts. For all the 'dharma' that i spout all day, cant even do the most fundamental of buddhist activity, meditation, watching your breath, intoning with wu, properly. What kind of buddhist is that man??? I am not giving up. I am going to have a go at it again. Dun get it. They say it is simple and yet i cant get it. Argh! Cant even do a simple thing right..back aches a little, mozzie bites abound, come on again! Ya!!! Yup, i think i got something. Added a session in for the night one myself so i did 4 sessions for night. There is this trick that i use. I found it out at the 2nd session and wanted to see if i can carry it through for the next 2 sessions and i did, more or less. The trick is like this, i told myself, hey, let's start, 1, 2, 3 go! And sit straight, start breathing from the dan tian, breathe deep, breathe out, mu.....the important thing is that the eyes must be clear. As in u can see the wall or the floor in front of you. I use my eyes to keep my attention to the breathing and the mu. Then i imagine something like i am shooting laser, electric bolts of mu at the wall in front of me. Actually i did this quite fiercely, all the while din wanna give up and loose my concentration. There was this part when thoughts of my vices came along, i visualised using the mu bolt to shoot it and it was gone! Incredible! Buddha come, shoot buddha, teacher come, shoot teacher! Attachment come, shoot attachment. It is really quite powerful. Time seemed to fly by in today's night sessions, leaving me asking for more. Hopefully this skill stays and i can continue practicing it tmr morning. Donno if the doubts that i mentioned above is part of the great doubt that one should have from zen practice..never mind. Sleep now and hope for a good day tmr! Mu!!!

July 8: Morning, it all starts again, i wake up to a slow start. Today is raining. Difficult to keep focus again. But it is the best early morning session that i ever had i must say. I din expect the chukpi to come so soon. Though the thought of whether the chukpi is coming did flash through my mind. Shit in the stomach also seems to interfere with the meditation. Or maybe it is because of the double lotus posture...

Second sitting for morning sitting was in single lotus. Thought it would be good, but was sleeping most of the time though i tried to keep my focus, but to no avail. Couldn't keep even like 20 counts of breath.

Today's morning session is spent drifting into and out of hallucinations. Maybe a bit sleepy. Somehow i do not have the strength to do the visualisation and did away with most of it. All 3 of the morning sessions were the same. However, the strange thing is that when we went downstairs for the afternoon chanting, when the bell was hit to bow, it was as if i was hearing it for the first time. Very clear and it clearly means to bow. Yup that's it for the morning session, hopefully i manage to do better for the afternoon.

Today, for the afternoon session, couldn't, how to say..was just disheartened again thoughts ran through my mind. Couldn’t do anything abt it. Got frustrated, even thought of squashing the mosquito that was biting me. Was swatting away mosquitoes that was near my hand.. They say dun check. Just do. Well, i even tried to ask the what is wu question to myself and keep the dun know mind from it. I seemed to be more in a daze. Is that dun know mind? I dun think so...then for the last session, totally give up, frustration, anger, all became renewed effort again. They say be a man with nothing to do. Dun get it but isn't that no good at all? But anyway, i think i mu mu mu so many times that just now when i got tired of looking at the floor and looked up at the tree for a while, it seemed to be muing back at me and so were all other things. Maybe it is just my imagination..ah whatever, shifu says to have faith in the method and just do it so i just do it la.

Night session was ok. Nothing much to say, sometimes keeping attention sometimes not. I guess some of my attachments have been cut off but some are still quite deep. Whether i get the kong an or not seems inconsequential to me. Seems like i have given up ya? But i think buddhist training is like that. A bit by a bit. Takes time. So long alr, donno when is the next interview. Sometimes i think a real retreat would be better than this one. At least more ppl practicing there is more together action and more getting into the mood. More interviews with the zen master seriously trying to develop you. I dun know. But i guess i gained something from the meditation. But cant pin point specifically what. Yup that's all for the night. Tmr is fasting day. No water even. But they say tmr we go out to beach. So no training? Then i would only have 2 days left which i dun think will have any progress cos of the beach trip which breaks the mood. So guess maybe my retreat ends here. Morale not really high now it seems..good night.

July 9: early morning session was marked with sinus and sleepiness. Think i spent most of my time sleeping except for 5 min for each session on mu..then since today is the fasting day, i managed to do in another 30 min session myself after the early morning sessions before i had to blow nose. Then i went to take a nap for 30 min in hope that the nose would clear but to no avail. So now i guess i'll go back to meditate till the morning sessions start.

Whole morning session was marked with flu. Dun think i did any beneficial meditation. Best that can be said is that i just sat there. Flu is almost cleared though. But it may just come back again as it like. Got bitten on the lip by a mosquito cos i was closing my eyes while meditating.

Read through kyong ho sunim's inspirational words and was really inspired. Could concentrate better after that. Watching the mind like a cat catching a mouse, never letting go, never letting up. Always seek to find the mind. What is it that hears, what is it that sees. What is it hat chants, what is it that mus, what is it that feels. That is it. So i am working on that now. Meanwhile, venerable has brought us to mersing, to a beach resort, to take in the energy of the nature. Din want to go at first, but shifu said it'll be good so here i am at the beach resort. Nothing much of a resort, just a house by the beach. We reached at around 5.45pm, it is free activity until the next day 5.30am when i have to help with the preparation of breakfast. Was thinking if i'll be free from mozzies, in the end, no. There are even more here.. Oh well, what a lot of mozzies they have here. 2 more days and i'll be going back to singapore. Missing it a little, all the comfort. I think it is the mozzies fault. Haha! By the way, afternoon i managed to squeeze in one meditation session and we did one before going off. Both were good because of the words of inspiration of kyong ho. We reached the beach resort in the evening, cant recall the time. Anyway took a long walk down the beach and went to sleep ealy that night. Thought it'll be free of mozzies and any was i wrong. It was mozzies abound! I tried to do a short meditation after my bath at 7 but in the end have up due to the mozzies. I was alr covered up to my head to do the meditation and i could see like 6 mozzies flying in front of my face so yea, it is quite a crazy place. Even shifu went to sleep in his car that night! Haha! I slept with sunim. I hid under the blanket and used my jacket to cover my head leaving only my mouth exposed and blowed the fan at speed 3 the whole night to fight the mozzies! Donno how sunim felt but sometimes, when my hands are exposed, they would immediately get bitten. Before switchin on the fan, i could still hear the mozzies flying around my head even when my head is under my jacket! Anyway yea, that's all for the beach trip for the night.

July10: woke up intermittently during the night. But finally woke up at almost 5 to do some chanting and help prep breakfast. Drank water the first thing it was past 12. Quite crazy, their fast here is without drinking water! Anyway the next morning breakfast consisted of raw fruits and vege and drinking a bowl of lemon juice salt water. Purposely done to give u the runs. And i did a little. So after lao sai, took long walk down the pristine beach, also to suntan. Haha! Anyway, we passed nus time like that the whole morning relaxing and reading magazines. Then around 11 we left the place. Oh btw, the 'resort' is but a hut. No air con. Yea, so we left, ate some western lunch as we couldn't find any chinese food eatery which server vege around town. But din feel too good after lunch.. Anyway we took a super long and relaxed drive back to the zen centre. Stopped for a break at a coffeeshop and another break at a large grocery store. By the way, the other shifu nun with us became sick after getting my flu. I recoverd while she became worse. She was sniffing non- stop the whole journey. Why did we go to the beach? Shifu told me that it is because sunim was with us. I think this zen school has the culture of bringing their guest monks for sight seeing. Anyway, we reached back to the centre around 1 and the other retreatant had to go back and shifu gave me the practice of washing car and i needed to set up the table and fill the water in the lotus pots and wash the plates and shift the cushions up cos the other lady washed them while we were gone and in between had to bathe too. So was very busy. Then i saw the sms that the inter-religious cca that i am in is having a meeting the next day at 6.30pm. Well since i will be going the day after morning, i guess i'll leave tmr. Shifu tells me there is a boat that leaves at 1, so i'll leave after lunch. We did the evening service and 2 sittings before turning for the night. The night sittings were full of thoughts planning what i was going to do tmr, returning to singapore and in singapore. Hmmm, this retreat is really not what i thought. Or maybe shifu let it be so. Maybe this was not a retreat in the sense of a zen retreat. It is more like a holiday get away for singaporeans. Maybe i should join a real zen retreat. I wanted a zen style, intensive buddhist retreat. But there were just too many lizard shits and mozzies around and relaxing at the beach, washing the car, menial work and the such. But that is what the nun here does, as far as i can tell. After being with shifu for these days, in close proximity, it seems to me that he is nothing special, nothing zennish, of course he can spout great zen speeches especially in chinese (i suspect all these zen speech and koan stuff is just dharma candy, i think shifu thinks so too so he doesn't seem very on abt it), but he still gets frustrated and seems to be quite harsh on the nun. Or so it may seem, he may just be teaching the nun. Cos the nun seems a little stubborn at times and a bit of easily frustrated kind. Haha! But she is a really caring and nice nun at most times. I wonder how she deals with shifu. She always just stubbornly speaks back at him in a calm voice when he scolds her and like nothing has happened, she will just talk to him normally later abt other stuff. Haha! Great letting go. Anyway, the nun works really hard. Although now is the summer retreat period, they make use of every 10 min walking meditation time to do dharma work like going through their speech, articles, designing posters and stuff. Not easy. They practically work their asses off. Oh yea, sunim talked with me this morning in the room, he told me that in zen, meditation is foremost and there is no method, no teaching to cultivate compassion or no teaching abt sutra, just meditation and when i asked if all zen masters are compassionate, he said it differs from master to master. But the most compassionate one he ever met is harada roshi of bu koku ji in osaka, obama. Maybe i'll go check out the place one day. Now that i have experienced meditation here, at this zen centre, i guess i'll not settle for this one right away. I do not really feel the affinity with this shifu, maybe i'll try others. I think i'll try the sambo kyodan's next. Some things abt this shifu, some of his speech, some of his actions do not go well with me somehow. Not that he is no good, he just doesn't click with me. Yupz so its more searching for me. But i still like my home buddhism, shinnyo-en, much better. I feel more warmth there somehow, the environment is much better for me. And i also appreciate the cleaniness of my home much better now. Oh no, is this place turning me into a clean freak? Haha, more attachments to work with! It's 1030pm alr now. Time to sleep! Tmr it is up at 4am again! The last time! Yahoo!! You know, i prefer army to here. I get more freedom there! Haha! Here's great with the chanting and sitting and the buddhism. But compared to army, somehow army life is still better! Cant pinpoint the exact reason though. Hai..., you know, meditation, i've become less attached to this koan stuff, mu....., whatever, i'll just mu and concentrate on the one breathin. I dun seem to really care if i get an interview or anything. I should be content with just meditating. Just being able to sit and meditate actually, i feel this sense of contentment. I think that is what i gained from this retreat. To be contented just to sit there and meditate, whether it be mu or anything. I think, with this frame of mind, anywhere you go to meditate is fine.

July 11: day of departure. Early morning session was alright. Haha, sunim woke us up 1 hour early at 3 instead! And after that we went back to sleep again. Haha! Morning session was fine, but as i was going back, i spent most of my time thinking of what i was going to do when i return. After that came interview, i asked many questions regarding traditions of zen which shifu just cut me short straight away, with the no differance and all but of course, i knew that they are all the same and point to the same place. Today at interview, shifu gave me the koan on joju and washing bowl. Haha! He said my answer was almost correct! I think i know the answer alr. Haha! Next time see him and tell him. What did he attain indeed! Haha! Hmmm..but i still cant pass my mu koan.... Donno what is the answer.... But anyway, that is fine. Mu seems to be a difficult koan.. Hmmm..overall, i think i have changed, i just feel different. I know my meditation has improved, concentration is better of course, posture is better. I need to ty out this new me out in the society to know. If in society, it cant work, then i dun think it is useful. Cant wait to do so..yup, with new found powers and skills, to the society i come. Retreat is over. Oh no, just remembered that i forgot to ask shifu abt the technique to meditate on mu..ah, whatever, i guess the method is straight forward enough. Went a whole round in the retreat with regards to meditation and returned to where i started from. But it is already different. Yep. Oh well, now that i am gone, they ask me if i will go back again, well yes, but with other friends i guess. It is just too inconvenient to go yourself.

Ans to ts's qn on 1 litre of tears

ts: suddenly so many posts....last time back in 2006 watched 1LoT oso...cried
till cannot...then that time feel that the whole world very grey...what u feel
after watching that

Think i'll reply here instead. Hmm... u know, do you realise that we and Aya both live in this same world? But then our circumstances are totally different, her world is totally different from ours although we live in the same earth which contains the same things.

Many times, i think we live in our own world too much, not knowing what kind of world this is for other ppl. You went to nursing homes like Renci Hospital before right? When we are there, were you shocked by the state the patients are in? Those that were on terminal illness, unable to move much, unable to do anything, the state their bodies are in? Some crinkled up into a ball, some looking only to one direction with listless gaze the whole day with bodily fluid flowing out, some others hands and legs amputated because of thier illnesses. Some ppl totally cant take it. They have never seen such things before. Never imagined that humans, like us can be in such states. Never imagined that there are so many of them around. They live their lives, not knowing how other ppl are living their lives.

We walk on the same on the same earth as them, walk on the same street as them. Yet, their world is totally different from ours. Do you see it?

One day, while walking out of the temple, I once saw a family, both parents and 2 kids, happily hopping into the car. Then I thought, " What a happy family!". Immediately, I reflected, how can there be a family which is always happy like in fairy tales?? Every family has its troubles, its unhappy times. Today, now the family is happy, they look happy, but we do not know for sure, just judging from their appearance. We do not know the suffering they might have gone through, we in fact do not know anything about them. So how can I say that they are a happy family?? What I do know is that in this very moment, they are happy and that is good, that is enough, I feel happy for them. But whether they are happy all the time, their suffering over the many years that they may have endured, the suffering that they will experience in the future, the disagreements between parents and children, the scoldings, the beatings, the crying , so many thing, I cannot know, I cannot imagine, whether good or bad. This world, everyone's world especially in the human realm is not just one colour.

It is not that the world is grey, I think it is just that we haven't seen it yet, the depth of despair and sadness that is present in this world. For us the lucky ones, we are more familiar with the happiness and joy in this world. The world is so vast, we cannot imagine it. All the different states and emotions in this world. The range of the world, we cannot understand or fanthom. The world is not only grey, it has many colours. However, what we can do is to open our hearts, what i hope we can do is to bare our hearts to this world and experience the world for what it is, all of its highest joys and all of its crippling pains. I think only then can we truely know this world and feel this world.

But, we tend to protect ourselves and hearts from pain and things we do not like. That is protection of the 'I'. This 'I' is really troublesome, it is the one that gets hurt. The one that we need to protect from danger. But there is no real use for this 'I', is there? It just gets in the way of things. So I think we should try to get rid of this 'I' in us, only by getting rid of this 'I', can we truely start to understand this world. Truely feel the world, everything in it, every person, every being, for what it really is. Only then, can we truely walk on this earth.

1 litre of tears part 9 (final)

Aya goes back to Higashi High and she says that she is glad she returns, because she remembers tha the 15 year old her was definitely alive there. You know sometimes, in Buddhism, they talk too much about impersonal stuff like Dharma and practice. However, as humans, many times, we work on feelings. So sometimes, we need to take care of our feelings too. Feelings are greatly affected by thoughts and memories. So sometimes, only through reliving these memories, thinking about the future are we encouraged..as long as we are human. Even as I write these now, it seems so impersonal. Haha.

"Finding out that today leads to tomorrow makes me happier" As of now, I still can't understand that..

Aya asks, "Mum, what am I living for?" That is a big question.

Facing the sandstorm, when there is no shelter, we can either allow ourselves to be blown away or stay our ground or continue to walk forward. Which would you choose?


Aya was given much strength when her doctor said that he had not given up on her. Not giving up is sometimes rather easy. you just go and just do it all the way. Decisions to give up or not usually culminate at a point of yes or no. If at that point, you say no, then you carry on. It is just as easy and as difficult as that. So if we set our mind to it, to always saying yes, and always going on. I think we can make it.

You know, this "feel that i am really alive thing", I think this is actually a big problem in itself. It causes us to always do something. But I don't exactly knows how it feels like though. Maybe I have got to wait sometime. But for now, I think that to do your job well, be of use to others, slowly fade away would be sufficient.

It is to the final 20min or so to the show already. The journey is about to end.

To find a place wher you can come home to always. Where can that be, the place of permenance in a world of impermenance.

In one of the entries in her diary, Aya writes a big Thank You. Actually, everything, everyone is helping us, if only we see and realise. Then we would feel the great sense of gratitude that Aya feels. In her condition, she sees it clearly, many things that we do not see. If only we see what she sees, then our lives would be totally different.

Her writings, her room, her pictures...I wonder how it will be kept. Where will it be kept after her parents pass away. Even these, will pass. And one day, those who do not know its meaning deep enough will just dispose of it and its meaning would be lost. That is how the world renews itself, over and over again.

The sensei says that Aya was an extraordinary girl. The mother says that she is just an ordinary girl. Actually I also think that Aya is an ordinary girl. But it is the choices she makes that is different. How we choose to live our lives, we can choose. We can choose what we want to do, how we want to feel within the circumstances. We can choose. So we should choose wisely and not waste our lives away. I think, only when we have done something useful, then can we die in peace.

1 litre of tears part 8

Do not rush through it,
Do not be greedy,
Do not give up.
Because everyone takes a step at a time,
It didn't matter how insignificant,
But I wanted to be useful to others.

Bowz, for most big tasks, we usually don't seem to be going anywhere, but if we stick to it, and continue sticking to it, one day, when we look back we will see that there is already a difference.

Aya says in this episode that she doesn't belong anywhere. I think we belong wherever we are, right at that spot. Usually we are the ones who come up with the idea that we do not.

In life, we affect people's lives and people affect ours without us knowing. Our thoughts, actions are all affected. And this, just totally changes the trajectory of our lives....Just like how Aya thinks that Asou has always been helping her. But she has influenced him so much so that he had become much happier and even decided to become a doctor. So how do you want to live your life?

You know, when we spend long hours alone, without talking to anyone, we think of many things, over and over again, the good become better, the bad become worse, everything goes totally off tangent to reality and we imagine many things and believe them to be true. Have you ever experienced something like that before? We totally give in to the tricks that our mind play on us, unable to maintain a centre. How I hope I can be more centered and be able to discern these thricks for what they are and not get taken in by them.

When you become totally useless, how are you to face the world? Just a burden to the world. Are you? We must be strong, there is still much we can do if we have our minds. That is what I feel, even if I am in Aya's case, I may be totally like her. Thinking that we are useless. That is normal. But I think if we train our minds, if we believe in something, then we have a way out.

To see your own daughter becoming like that before you...I don't know, is seeing your child die before you worse, or seeing you child become an invalid before you worse? I recall something a Zen Master wrote as a gift to a family: "Father die, son die, grandchild die". That is good, because everything is in order. But this, this is a totally different scenario..

Youknow, i think sometimes we just got to have more patience with ourselves and the things around us. The more i go through, the more i appreciate the value of patience. Patience is not controlling yourself and emotions like anger etc. Patience is not letting these thoughts have any grip on you, and dissolving these thoughts as the come. That is how I see it.

After her pneumonia episode, I think when Aya opens her eyes, she must be thinking, "OMG!! I am alive." They say it is good to live with that attitude everyday when we wake up. But without going through what Aya went through, is it really possible??

"Reality is too cruel, too bruttal. It wouln't let me have even a dream. When i think of the future, tears come again." That's why they say don't think so much. But how can we control, we cant control what we are thinking...it just comes...All the more we have to master ouselves and our minds...

"Where should I go?
Even if there is no answer, if I write, at least I'll feel better.
I am in need of a helping hand.
But i can neither see nor reach it.
Facing the darkness, all you hear are the echoes of my broken words."

From 1 litre of tears

Facing the darkness, you walk alone. But do you know because you write, you have become the light that brings darkness to the many who follow you. Your broken words have become the answer to others, your trembling hand, the helping hand to others, one that they can see and reach for.

Yay! It works!!

My bro just came back from a 1month retreat and i think it was truely beneficial. He gave me a good Dharma talk just now! I think it is really good. He just told me about the benefit of having good thoughts, positive thoughts. Pure and simple but with far reaching effects.

The Buddha said,
1. Prevent unwholesome thoughts from arising
2. Reduce unwholesome thoughts which have already arisen
3. Develop wholesome thoughts and emotions that have not yet arisen
4. Strengthen wholesome thoughts and emotions that have already arisen

Simple right? If we engage in this practice day in and day out. Then I do surely think we will become much happier people. :)

1 litre of tears part 7

"The seasons pass me by pretending not to notice a thing." Aya says in episode 9. Well, a Zen master would say, "Look at the sky, it is still blue, the clouds float by and the river still flows. Don't you notice that your problems all come from your own mind??"......I would say jiayou Aya!!

Moving into the new school, her mother asks, "Daijoubu?(Everything all right?)" Aya smiles and answers, "Daijoubu!(All right)" How reassuring. Hearing this line, how many hearts are put at rest. The power of one word.

Seeing the her roomie with the same illness but at a more advanced stage. I wonder what Aya is thinking. Maybe...OMG....am I going to be like her, having the same stunted speech as her? Seeing the future you as that day by day is really terrible...

Hearing how your child is going to slowly suffer and die from the doctor.....that must be really terrible and heart wrenching. Somtimes, you know, i am not a good counsellor, I usually know how they are feeling, but I do not know what to say to make it better. Wish I could do a bit more...

When you say something and people just don't get what you are talking abt....how annoying is that, how frustrating. Imagine having to deal with that 24/7. Maybe I would talk much less.... But i guess after sometime we can get used to it. But....not being able to talk so freely, i guess i will surely be quite down....drowned in my own negative thoughts and delusions...without anyone to talk to.

Aya says, she would not be able to walk with Asou any more, she would not be the Aya that went into High School with Asou. That they now live in two different worlds. When you set your heart on following someone through their whole life. What kind of vow are you making? When a person totally changes, physically(as in Aya's case) or mentally(as in go crazy) and not be the 'person' whom you dated or loved in the past. What would you do? What kind of commitment are you making? Is it even possible??? The person now that you see is totally different from the person whom you made the promise with. Is the promise even still valid? Are you now with a stranger or with the person whom you made the promise with? With a person who is invalid, but character and mentality is still stable, it may be more convincing to say that this is still the same person. But to a person who is mentally different, can you still say for sure that you would keep that vow and take care of that person? Are you not taking care of a stranger??? Think carefully, imagine, the only similar thing is the body, nothing else!

OMG! Aya's case of not being able to communicate with people because of her inability to talk properly reminds me of me and my grandma. My grandma cant talk much too....actually she can, but i do not understand her. Only my parents, the maid and my sis who stays with her understands. For me and her, i can only smile at her and talk one sidedly. The doc told Aya that the most impt thing is that she has the desire to communicate and the listener has the desire to listen. But in my case with my grandma, we both have the desire, but it still needs sometime and exposure i guess.

The sis says she wants to graduate in her Aya nee's(elder sis) place from Higashi High(which is a good school). Some ppl might tell her to live for herself, and not for someone else. But this is good isn't it? At least it gives her strength and she benefits her also(cos she was never much of a good student previously).

Aya said that in her dreams she usually saw herself running freely, but in today's dream, she saw herself in a wheel chair. She said that, she thought she had fully accepted her condition, but maybe deep in her heart she hasn't. Isn't this always the case, we bluff ourselves that it is ok, we have accepted it, but deep in our hearts, we never believed it to be true, we never accepted it....That's why I always question if we truely know our feelings. In Buddhism, we do meditation. What is meditation for? I think, it is to understand ourselves. To understand ourselves, how our mind works, understand our feelings. What do we really feel, what do we really think. Do not live in a lie, be true to yourself from your heart.

Asou tells her no matter how slow she talks, he would listen to her. Do you know how reassuring is that? But as normal ppl, do we have such strength? Such patience? Buddhism believe we can all do it. They believe the solution lies in the power of unconditionally doing things, the Buddhists believe we can do anything if we master that. Well, if you think through it, it does make some sense. He says, "Even though it wouldn't be like old times, our feelings are connected, so I don't think we live in separate worlds." Well, in Buddhism, I have read countless accounts of such realisations of masters that once they reach enlightenment, they realise that we are not separate, that we are not living in separate worlds. They realise that oneness in all and that's where we have great compassion for all beings, because we are never separate to start with but we have a mental construct that we are and this is our big problem. The realise the non subject-object and jump out of the dualistic world that we live in.

When you have no guarantee of the future, the present is the only thing you can live for. We only realise this when we have no guarantee of the future. But living like that, appreaciating every moment is what brings true joy. Because, every small thing that you receive, every moment that you are given, you are full of gratitude and joy.

My god, even though they say that this is only one life in many, but to undergo such adventures in this life, to live through it really requires 1 litre of tears and more.

In the last part of the episode, she says, doing the 'ma pa fa' speech rehab practice, she 'talks' to herself quite often. And it is no different from talking to somone else, that's why she does it so often.... I don't think i'll be able to do that. It is truely admirable. Her mindset and mentality is such, mine is totally different as i said earlier. She chooses to talk more to herself in a positive way and I will just let the disease and disablilty totally consume me and drown in it, sinking deeper. Our lives can go in totally different directions. How it is interesting that just a small difference in the way we see things can totally change the direction of our lives. But I guess that is human.

You know, sometimes, hearing the songs of this kind of series with moving stories and many feelings, when you hear the songs, the feelings come back. We say there is deep meaning in the song. Even though it may be in a totally different langeuage that you don't know. The songs still works and the feelings come back. But if a person who, or even i myself who has never seen the series hears the song, I may not even feel anything for the song....

1 litre of tears part 6

In episode 8, Aya says that she knows one day she will have to make that decision whether to leave school. And that if she does leave, then it will be like something in her life has ended. This is true. But we go through these all the time, we just have to be with the feeling through and through and soon we will realise that the feeling will get lesser as the day goes by and new things start to take the place of the old in your lifes. Not as in your memories, but as in what you are doing now and what occupies your mind.

Aya was saying that when she goes to the new school she would not know anyone. But I think it is always difficult, the initial phase. But when you just do it, with an open heart and an open mind. You get through it. Jiayou Aya!!

Ako, Aya's sister was saying that if she studies real hard, she would be able to get into Higashi High(Aya's current school) and she can be of help to Aya. I think this shows a common phenomena that when there is a crisis and someone is in trouble, when we want to help them, we get the extra strength. Also it would pull the family closer together...

Seeing the class discussing abt the issue of Aya, some of her friends feeling the toll of always taking care of her, it reminds me how things are in this world. Once your friendship isn't enough to balance out the sacrifices, this happens. But this is very normal, in this world many things work like that, one's patience may be a lot, but over long periods, it gets worn down. So in the end, you break. The truth is that it is just not enough. That is no problem. We just have to carry on and think of other solutions. No use blaming anyone. This makes me think of what Buddhism always says, Unconditional Love, Unconditional Love. Aya's friend says she helps Aya because Aya is her friend. That is a condition, a condition, the fuel to help as I mentioned above. So once the fuel runs out, then that's it, no more help. So in unconditional, there is no such thing. there is only pure compassion, pure help, regardless of any relationship or any profit or loss. Some ppl may think if it is really possible. I can say yes. Just look at the saints, Mother Teresa, even recent Masters like Master Hsing Yun, Master Seung Sahn, Master Jing Kong, Master Sheng Yen, Master Shinjo Ito and many others, they just do it. If you think to the end, there is no reason for them to do. But they just do it. We may think we are not saints, how can we be expected to do such a thing. But then, to be able to do such a thing, isn't it great? If we just try bit by bit each day. Before we know it, we may be there one day. With all our defilements, all our wants for ourself, all our vices, we may be there with them one day. So for now, we just do what we can, not thinking of gaining, not thinking of any condition. we just try our best. If we cannot do it anymore, then we can only say sorry to the person, we have tried our best. But through the struggle, there can be no regrets, because we have tried our best.

When ppl scold us for our lack of effort, our lack of compassion, our lack of wisdom, our lack of strength, what can we say, we may have a lot of it, but the truth is that it is just not enough. And that is what they are saying so what they say is the truth. So we do not need to defend ourselves or anything. We should just keep on trying. Keep on trying may sound stupid, why keep on trying? Well, there is a stage of trying without trying. Once you get used to always trying, it becomes part of your system. Not to try too hard, but just try, try just enough. The important thing is what my brother always says, to achieve maximum sustainability. What is try just enough? Just enough so that you can keep on trying non-stop. So that you will not like try so super hard and the next day you get totally shagged out and not want to try anymore. No, that is not the way to do things. We try just right, if it is getting too tiring for us, then we cut ourselves some slack. They may say we lack this and that today, it is okay, because if we keep on trying, one day we will make it.

Also, when we see that people have tried their best and it is not enough. Even if the result is terrible, we should not scold them. They have already tried their best. But sometimes scolding is good. Because it motivates them. So basically, regardless the method, the important thing is to keep motivating people.

We may hate two faced people, show and say one thing but do and mean another. But realise that this is a normal way of things in this society. Get used to it already! This is not what they actually want to do, but just do it unknowingly as this is the only way they know to make less problems for themselves and the society. All humans are selfish. We are not excluded. Understanding that, is there anything to be angry about? Is there anything to blame about? We should just help.

Asou says he is just a damn kid, all talk only(after he scolds the class for their two faced behavior of always saying good things infront of Aya but behind her they are actually thinking of chasing her out of school). Sometimes i think this is very normal. We are all like that. One moment we can be full upright, full of morals, saying all the 'right' things, but most of the time we are really not so morally upright. I think it is normal. Somtimes these talk only ppl are good and useful. Imagine if they do not say anything, no one will reflect on themselves. And then there can be no positive change. So sometimes, we must say and should say. But at the same time, we understand that no one is perfect, everyone is still human, 'a bodhisattva in training', to say it in a buddhist way. So when we meet these all talk ppl, we understand. Nothing to get angry about, Nothing to blame about. But we encourage them to live up to their words too. That is how I think.

After crying and talking to Asou, Aya smiles through her tears ad says "Bye Bye" at the bridge overlooking her school. I think this is how it is. It is ok to cry, to struggle, to be in the depths of sadness and pain. Don't have to block that or try to avoid that. Because, it is only after thoroughly going through these pain, crying, suffering of the part of you that you know being torn away from you that you are able to move on and say Bye bye.

Seeing how Aya says how she loves her dad and her mum and how she loves everybody, saying how all of them lifts her up by calling her big sis. I think that is what we should hope to be to other people. The source of hope, love and support of other people. I think only being so makes our lives worth living.

Wow!! What a great speech!! Aya's farewell speech to her class before she transfers to the disability school. She says, over the past year, things she has been able to do in the past have began to diminish one by one. In her dreams she is able to walk and talk normally to her friends, but when she wakes up she has a body which is not able to move freely. Her life has changed totally. What can she do to prevent a fall when she walks? What can she do to finish her lunch faster? What can she do to not let ppl's stares bother her? She can't function unless she consciously thinks of such stuff. Go to high school, then college, then get a job, How she originally pictured her future to be has been totally reduced to zero. She couldn't find how she should live her life. And she couldn't even see a small ray of hope. And she has thought countless times how the disease has shattered her life. But...but....this is reality no matter how sad. She can't escape the disease no matter how hard she cries (this is usually the case, but the crying and realising part is very necessary i think. the disease is karma, but how you look at it is not and you can decide that), and she can't turn back time no matter how much she wants to recapture the past. If that's the case then she need to start loving herself as she is now. That is what she thought. Because there are so many things she realised since she became affected by the disease. Like what a blessing it is just to have your family around(especially a complete and joyful one). or the warmth of a friends' touch when they subtly lend a hand. Or how extremely fortunate we are just to be healthy(so that's why i think we should use this health well and not waste it Sometimes, we do not realise how fortunate we are until we lose everything. When we lose everything then we realise how much we actually had and have now... It is when we return to zero, then we know and can see. If we just only knew). Not all were lost just because she got ill. That body of her's is her. The burden of disability that she is carrying, that is her. The person that she is now is who she is. She has decided to live with pride. that'swhy she has decided to go to the disability school........She and her classmates may exist in two different worlds but she wants to find light in every step she takes. For her to be able to say that with a smile, she probably has to shed a litre of tears(so that's where the name of the show comes from..) That's why she will never think that something in her life has ended when she leaves that school. Everyone, thank you for your kindness up till now.

She leaves the episode with the last words, "So what if you fall, as long as you get up again. If you lok up at the sky when you fall, the vast blue sky is smiling at you today too. I am alive"

1 litre of tears part 5

"As long as I am alive, I might as well be of use to other ppl." Well, that is how i see it too. If not I really do not know what we this life is good for. Although many times we still have self serving thoughts and bad thoughts, I think it is inevitable as we are all humans. But as long as we have this aim and strive towards it bit by bit, step by step. I think one days we can fully and totally achieve this aim. Is that what they call the Bodhisattva spirit in Buddhism?

The part where her friends blame her for not telling her...bah...kids.....ok patience......

To see an illness as not a misfortune, but an inconvenience. I think that's quite Buddhistic and high level. But beyond that, ppl still get angry at inconveniences. To see an inconvenience as part of life. I think that would be truely remarkable. However, passing the misfortune part, especially for such a serious illness.....I do not know if i am able to do that. Would the many years of Buddhism training be of use? Have I assimilated it yet? I am not sure too..

Asou was saying to Aya that how nice her family was. How nice that she has a place to belong... This place to belong...I too have such a place. And I don't think i'll ever understand the kind of loneliness....But this place to belong..will change..How will we deal with it, can we deal with it? I think that is impt. THis place to belong, on one hand it may be like our family and friends. On another level, it may just be the we that we know of, the 'i'. OUr 'comfort zone'. Are we ready to step out into the unknown?

Mari, Aya's fren stayed in the team in jr high because Aya was there.. Because you were there that's why i could go on. And you suddenly left. How can I blame her for being kids? It is a very human emotion that ppl of all ages possess. Hahaha! I judged too soon. Actually reflecting, many ppl regardless of age can become very childish at times. Acting like kids, they themselves would not know but the people beside them see it very clearly and they refuse to believe it when you tell them, jus like kids. Yes they would think out some sofisticated reason to justify their actions..but just to justify their kiddish actions. This is human. I am not excluded!

These japanese mums..how do they do it? Work and cook? Is that for real????

When Aya finds out that she her parents started looking for special schools for her, she told them that she should decide her future for herself. She knows that she had to give up many things. But giving up her friends, then she will cease to be her....well...it is difficult...but be courageous...We really don't know the despair that she is going through and what had brought her thus far.

In the parent teacher meeting, the mother was grilled on why her daughter is still here in the school as she is inconveniencing everyone... Well, every parent for their own child. It is normal human nature. But do we truely understand each other? When this parents grill Aya's mum, is it wrong? I do not think so. I think this is how society works. Everyone for their own survival. We stay in this world and society, this is how it works. Even if we were them, we would do exactly the same thing. So we can't blame people. It is quite understandable. There is a ways out and that is unless we can change the whole bunch of the society around us. If not it will not be helpful.
"Would you wait until she(Aya) comes up with the answer herself(whether she should leave school)?" I think that is the best. we would if it is within our means. Great compassion.

""Ah, I am so glad." It is alright for me to think that I wasn't always a burden to them, isn't it?" I guess it would help. If it helps we should do it.

1 litre of tears part 4

At the end of the fifth episode, she says, "In the clear blue sky, the clouds float by." I guess it is during this time when we truely put down everthing that we would notice such stuff...

Even though we cannot do many things, we try our best in the things that we can. Till one day when we cannot do anything. Then we do not do anything. But knowing we have not wasted the time that we could do things, we should be satisfied.


Seeing the stares she receives when she boards the bus in episode 6 makes me think that we should actually smile at the diabled when we see them. Well, then again, they may think that we are just being nice to them since they are disabled. Some want to be a part of society like normal ppl. And by doing anything special, we are making them stick out in society...so what should we do.....of course not stare at them. But smile at them? Or ignore them? Well....I guess I would choose to be friendly.

When the younger brother scores a goal for his team, the whole family is happy. The parents are happy. Proud of their children they say. I still don't really understand that. I would just say well done.

1 litre of tears part 3

Inconveniencing everyone, yet having to say sorry to everyone with a smile....that is truely a tough order...having to face that kind of stare, wish to just disappear into thin air....

That heart to carry on struggling. To only go forward. I think that is the only prove of our worth.

Sometimes we may advice ppl not to do things, not to fall into traps. But they do not listen. What can we do? I think sometimes it is better to just let them experience it for themselves rather than create more negativity between the two parties.. It is a phase of growing up. They have to experience it themselves to learn and grow up and become stronger. We can only stand by and watch and cushion their fall. My dad always says that is it better to keep the communication channel open between two ppl rather than break it. Cos once broken, even if you want to help, you would not be able to do anything.

In episode 5, when they break the news of Aya's illness to the family, the younger sister, Ako, says that they can't just sudedenly say things like that. That there is no cure for the illness. And she is lost and asks what she should do. The father then explains that it is simple, when a person is in need, we help. When a person is sad and cry, we ask what is wrong. this reminds me of the what Maser Seung Sahn used to say of when is person is hungry you give them food. Basic thing, basic compassion. Many times i think we have this heart, but due to other things like pride, we do not extend our hand. Actually things may just be so simple.

Aya says 'I am...who I am" which is contrary to the 'Yesterday's Aya is no more'. Which means, this 'I', this "Aya' changes every single moment. So when I say I, I am the I now, not just now, not yeterday, not tmr. I am the I now.This is to be in oneness with who you are in the moment. Which means you have no delusion that you are something other than who you are. For example, Aya is not stuck with the image of who she was in the past, that she is a basketball player with everything in the world. She accepts who she is now, someone who cannot really walk well, a disabled. And I think that's where we can start to work things out.

1 litre of tears part 2

Then she gets invited on a date with a senior she likes.. she initially agrees happily. Well..he is also happy. But then she thinks, that now she is sick, should she carry on this? When my future is unknown, how can i prmise anything to anyone?......When my own future is unknown. That is also one of the most scariest things....how do we deal with such things....

But then her mom encourages her to go...saying that is what girls should do at high school. When ppl look at you, they have no idea what is happening, so they talk to u like nothing is happening. So you smile and agree...they do not have to know of such things... And there is no harm in agreeing to something that would make someone happier. Anyway we do not have much time left. We should use our lives well in bringing some joy, love and hope into other ppl's lives. That is how i think. we just try our best and that is enough. If best is not good enough...that's too bad.

At the same time, I think the stress on her parents must be tremendous. With the mother working in a position that requires her to deal with people. How can she gold up to such a stress. Even though I may not know or cannot fanthom what is going through a parents' mind at this moment. I guess it must have been very difficult for them too.

When facing the loss of a loved one...I guess there is no two way abt it. we just have to move on. If not we will be stuck with and in their death and loss. And we will be lost to those around us who love us.---From seeing how the guy Asou behaves...

Sitting on the bus to meet her date, she looks at the scenery outside..knowing she will not be able to see them much longer...they are but something so distant right now(just a personal thought)

But as she reaches the zoo, she looks at the penguins and the kids laughter and enjoyment. She laughs to herself. Infected by their laughter, suddenly your own feelings do not matter anymore. Anyway, there will be no more you in no time. You have prepared yourself for that........ Just for that moment.

When the senior din come but Asou came, she said that somewhere in her heart, she knew that he wouldn't come. She then told Asou that they said she would gradually be unable to walk or talk. And would not be able to pronounce her words properly. Asou once said that humans are the only greedy creatures, knowing that they are about to die yet try to find all ways and means to live longer. But the girl, Aya Ikeuchi then asks if it is really wrong. I interpret it to mean that is it really too much to ask for. At the ending of that episode, the real Aya writes that she wanted to build a time machine to return to the past and if it wasn't for the disease, she would be in love. And that she wanted to cling someone's arm so badly.

Well...the greed part sounds a bit Buddhistic to me. That's what Buddhism always talks abt right, attachment, greed etc. However, in this case, is it really it? Well...I do think so. But Aya is but a normal human, not some Buddhist saint. Is it really wrong to want those things? Is it really wrong to want more? She is only 15 years old, there is still so much she wants to do! So is it wrong? I do not think so... But the waves of the disease just totally sweeps everything away.. What can we do? We are actually powerless to do anything. We can try the best we can but we cannot chase such stuff anymore...You will come to understand soon.....It is better to go with the waves and create something useful out of it. But when the waves prevent us and straps us down. i think we should go with it and continue to try to work with it as best as we can. Fight what can be fought, not what cannot be fought. But I think it is not wrong.....it truely is heart wrenching...but i think it is a process that we must go through. I am not excluded.

1 litre of tears part 1

This show is about a 15 year old girl who developed a spino cerebullar degenerative disease and how she suffers with it, how she deals with it, together with her family and friends. I actually just watched the 2hr 20 min special. And i think it is a really great show, in that after watching it, I begin to reflect about my own life, how I deal with things. What would I do if I were her..

Now I just started watching the series. I'll just blog my thoughts as I go along.

Up to Episode 4: She walks along the same route to school, thinking, "Though I am seeing the same view like yesterday, walking the same road as yesterday, my whole world has totally changed. Surely I will never laugh like that again." How true is this, one day your world was perfect, the next it totally shatters, everything you know, seems to be different. Everything is different. It is almost like a dream, how can this happen?? How can this happen?? How can this be?? Just yesterday everything was fine, now it is totally changed. Do you understand? Without going through an great experience, of loss, of change...i think we can never thuely understand. It is like a dream, but this dream plays on. There is no getting out. Is that why the Buddhist teachings teach that life is just like a dream?? Since there is no getting out, I think there is only one way forward...what i just said are my thoughts...but i think it mirrors her's. Or is it because it mirrors mine...

What would happen if I too lost my ability to move, things that I have always taken for granted. Actually, this may sound strange, that's why since young, I have always prepared myself for this. I would always play the blind game and go around the house with my eyes closed, feeling my way across the room, across the house. Walk with the least amount of strength and muscle work, climb the stairs that way. But it seems it is inevitable. Preparing for that day. Have I done what I wanted to do. Will i cling on like how she does? I do not know. Ideally Buddhistically, one should not do so. But no one knows if i can accomplish that, until the real day comes or when the disease strikes. Will i be able to let it go..

She then says, " The old me no longer exist." I would like to add that the old life no longer exist.

Actually I think losing the control of your body when your mind still knows what is happening is the most scariest thing.

Mistakes, Regret, what do we do?

Let's say we make decision today. 10 years later, we realise it to be a bad decision which brings innumerable bad repercussions.

How would we feel?

Deep regret. We would want to change it, make time go back, we would do anything at all, anything at all, we would want to salvage it.

But, there is nothing we can do about it. The hurt and damage is already done.

What happens?
Hurt, pain, wanting to kill ourselves over it. The feeling of deep hurt, pain, regret, it is just so uncomfortable we just want to kill ourselves or someone over it.

OR

What happens?
We recognise our mistake. We recognise that we were young, impulsive, had a lack of foresight, had a lack of judgement, was naive, was lacking in wisdom, that at the time when we made the decision, it was with all our training in decision making from all of the years of our lives up to that point. It was to the best of our ability, with all the available information! If we could go back in time, without the knowledge of what we would know of the future, with our inmature mind and self, with our lack of wisdom, lack of judgement, lack of foresight, we would make exactly the same decision, there would be no difference at all! It was already to the best of our ability with the circumstances we had then! It couldn't have happened any differently. Even if we knew something more, within the stresses of the circumstances then, we might have done exactly the same thing then!! So how? What could we do? We feel deep regret, like it is tearing us apart. But only feeling regret and doing things like injuring oneself and others is no use and not beneficial to anyone. We need to turn this regret and channel it in a positive way, to help someone, to be of service to somebody, to make things better for people, to make ourselves wiser, to improve our foresight, to improve our judgement, to analyse the problem and make sure that we do not make this mistake again. This regret may never leave us and be with us always. But gradually, over time, we learn to live with it, just like how we live with scars. They are but part and parcel of this life. So do not let it consume your life, do not give it more power to wreck your life than it already has. Life goes on, the sky is still blue, and flowers bloom again, that's life.