Lessons learnt

Recently, there was this person who I didn't know quite well but felt through our interactions that she had always thought well of me. I happened to be there during her hard times in life like 1st and second break ups. I thought she was a nice girl and all. Kind, child like, talented and pretty. So I started going out with her more often. On one hand, I wanted to help her through her difficulties. On the other hand, I was interested in her. Initially, we went jogging weekly which i think both of us enjoyed. We went to artfriend to buy art stuffs and she will even ask to come with me. She was really excited initially and would even thank me and tell me she had a great time. As the days go by, we would regularly visit places like museum or go learn cycling together but I realise the topics we talked about grew fewer and there were several times with awkward silence. She became less responsive on smses though we still meet weekly for our art class. All we could talk about were our everyday stuffs like our work or her whether she has had her dinner. I would ask her if she was well, if she was recovering. If her mother had scolded her and comfort her at these times. Soon, things started to change especially after she had a big quarrell with ger mum and after she visited Japan. She soon started to say things like she wants some alone time and wanting to do things by herself and when I asked her out to do things together that we used to do last time, she said she did not want anymore. Her attitude changed. She was not so amiable anymore and would sometimes ignore my messages. Once, we went out drawing and after the drawing session, she looked me in the eye and told me that she felt drawing alone was better. I thought it was queer, was she trying to elicit a response from me. Anyway, when I went home, I told her the next day that I like drawing together with her. I had my suspicions about her feelings...Until one day, we were talking and when I said that she can call me to go jogging together, she said she'll rather not. I found that it was really her decision. She said she did not want to accomodate anyone else anymore and wants to do her stuff. I think sich an attitude is the end of relationships. With that, it felt to me that she was sending me a clear message. It's time to back off. 

I realise that I spend my time giving my best to people whom I think is a fair candidate but many times, this person is not what they want or it is the wrong time. Sometimes, it is the right conditions and any sort of person will do. Sometimes it does not work out. This whole chasing thing I feel is really a waste of time. My time is truly precious yet I spend it on useless endeavours or on people who do not appreciate it. It is not easy and I always try my best to carve out this time. But now I feel that it is truly a waste of time. If those who are interested, you don't have to do much and it works because they want it. If they are not interested, why waste your precious time? Those who truly see the good qualities in you will come to you. Those who do not, why bother to work on them? The effort will be great and do not necesaarily bear fruit. More often than not, your opportunity cost would be great. 

Thus, I feel I can't be wasting precious time anymore on these endeavours. Those who clearly see will come. Those who do not, there's no need to bother about them. I just need to do my job and help and that's it. 

That said, all in life is a gain. Through this experience, I've gone on to improve my artistic abilities. Something I always liked. I got to learn about going to museums to learn and to learn about patiently observing the exhibits. I started formal art classes. Although we have a lot in common, I think if one hand is not clapping, it still would not work. 

Every experience is a learning experience. But let us not waste time anymore. Life-time is precious and we should make use of it wisely. 

You are the Master

I realise that you are the driver, the master of your life. Many times, I find that we let the circumstance or people or people's opinion take control of our lives and we just go in the way that these things sway us to.

But at the end of the day, we ourselves have to be answerable to ourselves how we led our lives. If we just keep following these currents, where are we going to go? We will never be happy. These people do not lead our lives. We lead our lives and only we know best where we want to and should go.

1 litre of tears part 9 (final)

Aya goes back to Higashi High and she says that she is glad she returns, because she remembers tha the 15 year old her was definitely alive there. You know sometimes, in Buddhism, they talk too much about impersonal stuff like Dharma and practice. However, as humans, many times, we work on feelings. So sometimes, we need to take care of our feelings too. Feelings are greatly affected by thoughts and memories. So sometimes, only through reliving these memories, thinking about the future are we encouraged..as long as we are human. Even as I write these now, it seems so impersonal. Haha.

"Finding out that today leads to tomorrow makes me happier" As of now, I still can't understand that..

Aya asks, "Mum, what am I living for?" That is a big question.

Facing the sandstorm, when there is no shelter, we can either allow ourselves to be blown away or stay our ground or continue to walk forward. Which would you choose?


Aya was given much strength when her doctor said that he had not given up on her. Not giving up is sometimes rather easy. you just go and just do it all the way. Decisions to give up or not usually culminate at a point of yes or no. If at that point, you say no, then you carry on. It is just as easy and as difficult as that. So if we set our mind to it, to always saying yes, and always going on. I think we can make it.

You know, this "feel that i am really alive thing", I think this is actually a big problem in itself. It causes us to always do something. But I don't exactly knows how it feels like though. Maybe I have got to wait sometime. But for now, I think that to do your job well, be of use to others, slowly fade away would be sufficient.

It is to the final 20min or so to the show already. The journey is about to end.

To find a place wher you can come home to always. Where can that be, the place of permenance in a world of impermenance.

In one of the entries in her diary, Aya writes a big Thank You. Actually, everything, everyone is helping us, if only we see and realise. Then we would feel the great sense of gratitude that Aya feels. In her condition, she sees it clearly, many things that we do not see. If only we see what she sees, then our lives would be totally different.

Her writings, her room, her pictures...I wonder how it will be kept. Where will it be kept after her parents pass away. Even these, will pass. And one day, those who do not know its meaning deep enough will just dispose of it and its meaning would be lost. That is how the world renews itself, over and over again.

The sensei says that Aya was an extraordinary girl. The mother says that she is just an ordinary girl. Actually I also think that Aya is an ordinary girl. But it is the choices she makes that is different. How we choose to live our lives, we can choose. We can choose what we want to do, how we want to feel within the circumstances. We can choose. So we should choose wisely and not waste our lives away. I think, only when we have done something useful, then can we die in peace.

1 litre of tears part 8

Do not rush through it,
Do not be greedy,
Do not give up.
Because everyone takes a step at a time,
It didn't matter how insignificant,
But I wanted to be useful to others.

Bowz, for most big tasks, we usually don't seem to be going anywhere, but if we stick to it, and continue sticking to it, one day, when we look back we will see that there is already a difference.

Aya says in this episode that she doesn't belong anywhere. I think we belong wherever we are, right at that spot. Usually we are the ones who come up with the idea that we do not.

In life, we affect people's lives and people affect ours without us knowing. Our thoughts, actions are all affected. And this, just totally changes the trajectory of our lives....Just like how Aya thinks that Asou has always been helping her. But she has influenced him so much so that he had become much happier and even decided to become a doctor. So how do you want to live your life?

You know, when we spend long hours alone, without talking to anyone, we think of many things, over and over again, the good become better, the bad become worse, everything goes totally off tangent to reality and we imagine many things and believe them to be true. Have you ever experienced something like that before? We totally give in to the tricks that our mind play on us, unable to maintain a centre. How I hope I can be more centered and be able to discern these thricks for what they are and not get taken in by them.

When you become totally useless, how are you to face the world? Just a burden to the world. Are you? We must be strong, there is still much we can do if we have our minds. That is what I feel, even if I am in Aya's case, I may be totally like her. Thinking that we are useless. That is normal. But I think if we train our minds, if we believe in something, then we have a way out.

To see your own daughter becoming like that before you...I don't know, is seeing your child die before you worse, or seeing you child become an invalid before you worse? I recall something a Zen Master wrote as a gift to a family: "Father die, son die, grandchild die". That is good, because everything is in order. But this, this is a totally different scenario..

Youknow, i think sometimes we just got to have more patience with ourselves and the things around us. The more i go through, the more i appreciate the value of patience. Patience is not controlling yourself and emotions like anger etc. Patience is not letting these thoughts have any grip on you, and dissolving these thoughts as the come. That is how I see it.

After her pneumonia episode, I think when Aya opens her eyes, she must be thinking, "OMG!! I am alive." They say it is good to live with that attitude everyday when we wake up. But without going through what Aya went through, is it really possible??

"Reality is too cruel, too bruttal. It wouln't let me have even a dream. When i think of the future, tears come again." That's why they say don't think so much. But how can we control, we cant control what we are thinking...it just comes...All the more we have to master ouselves and our minds...

"Where should I go?
Even if there is no answer, if I write, at least I'll feel better.
I am in need of a helping hand.
But i can neither see nor reach it.
Facing the darkness, all you hear are the echoes of my broken words."

From 1 litre of tears

Facing the darkness, you walk alone. But do you know because you write, you have become the light that brings darkness to the many who follow you. Your broken words have become the answer to others, your trembling hand, the helping hand to others, one that they can see and reach for.

1 litre of tears part 7

"The seasons pass me by pretending not to notice a thing." Aya says in episode 9. Well, a Zen master would say, "Look at the sky, it is still blue, the clouds float by and the river still flows. Don't you notice that your problems all come from your own mind??"......I would say jiayou Aya!!

Moving into the new school, her mother asks, "Daijoubu?(Everything all right?)" Aya smiles and answers, "Daijoubu!(All right)" How reassuring. Hearing this line, how many hearts are put at rest. The power of one word.

Seeing the her roomie with the same illness but at a more advanced stage. I wonder what Aya is thinking. Maybe...OMG....am I going to be like her, having the same stunted speech as her? Seeing the future you as that day by day is really terrible...

Hearing how your child is going to slowly suffer and die from the doctor.....that must be really terrible and heart wrenching. Somtimes, you know, i am not a good counsellor, I usually know how they are feeling, but I do not know what to say to make it better. Wish I could do a bit more...

When you say something and people just don't get what you are talking abt....how annoying is that, how frustrating. Imagine having to deal with that 24/7. Maybe I would talk much less.... But i guess after sometime we can get used to it. But....not being able to talk so freely, i guess i will surely be quite down....drowned in my own negative thoughts and delusions...without anyone to talk to.

Aya says, she would not be able to walk with Asou any more, she would not be the Aya that went into High School with Asou. That they now live in two different worlds. When you set your heart on following someone through their whole life. What kind of vow are you making? When a person totally changes, physically(as in Aya's case) or mentally(as in go crazy) and not be the 'person' whom you dated or loved in the past. What would you do? What kind of commitment are you making? Is it even possible??? The person now that you see is totally different from the person whom you made the promise with. Is the promise even still valid? Are you now with a stranger or with the person whom you made the promise with? With a person who is invalid, but character and mentality is still stable, it may be more convincing to say that this is still the same person. But to a person who is mentally different, can you still say for sure that you would keep that vow and take care of that person? Are you not taking care of a stranger??? Think carefully, imagine, the only similar thing is the body, nothing else!

OMG! Aya's case of not being able to communicate with people because of her inability to talk properly reminds me of me and my grandma. My grandma cant talk much too....actually she can, but i do not understand her. Only my parents, the maid and my sis who stays with her understands. For me and her, i can only smile at her and talk one sidedly. The doc told Aya that the most impt thing is that she has the desire to communicate and the listener has the desire to listen. But in my case with my grandma, we both have the desire, but it still needs sometime and exposure i guess.

The sis says she wants to graduate in her Aya nee's(elder sis) place from Higashi High(which is a good school). Some ppl might tell her to live for herself, and not for someone else. But this is good isn't it? At least it gives her strength and she benefits her also(cos she was never much of a good student previously).

Aya said that in her dreams she usually saw herself running freely, but in today's dream, she saw herself in a wheel chair. She said that, she thought she had fully accepted her condition, but maybe deep in her heart she hasn't. Isn't this always the case, we bluff ourselves that it is ok, we have accepted it, but deep in our hearts, we never believed it to be true, we never accepted it....That's why I always question if we truely know our feelings. In Buddhism, we do meditation. What is meditation for? I think, it is to understand ourselves. To understand ourselves, how our mind works, understand our feelings. What do we really feel, what do we really think. Do not live in a lie, be true to yourself from your heart.

Asou tells her no matter how slow she talks, he would listen to her. Do you know how reassuring is that? But as normal ppl, do we have such strength? Such patience? Buddhism believe we can all do it. They believe the solution lies in the power of unconditionally doing things, the Buddhists believe we can do anything if we master that. Well, if you think through it, it does make some sense. He says, "Even though it wouldn't be like old times, our feelings are connected, so I don't think we live in separate worlds." Well, in Buddhism, I have read countless accounts of such realisations of masters that once they reach enlightenment, they realise that we are not separate, that we are not living in separate worlds. They realise that oneness in all and that's where we have great compassion for all beings, because we are never separate to start with but we have a mental construct that we are and this is our big problem. The realise the non subject-object and jump out of the dualistic world that we live in.

When you have no guarantee of the future, the present is the only thing you can live for. We only realise this when we have no guarantee of the future. But living like that, appreaciating every moment is what brings true joy. Because, every small thing that you receive, every moment that you are given, you are full of gratitude and joy.

My god, even though they say that this is only one life in many, but to undergo such adventures in this life, to live through it really requires 1 litre of tears and more.

In the last part of the episode, she says, doing the 'ma pa fa' speech rehab practice, she 'talks' to herself quite often. And it is no different from talking to somone else, that's why she does it so often.... I don't think i'll be able to do that. It is truely admirable. Her mindset and mentality is such, mine is totally different as i said earlier. She chooses to talk more to herself in a positive way and I will just let the disease and disablilty totally consume me and drown in it, sinking deeper. Our lives can go in totally different directions. How it is interesting that just a small difference in the way we see things can totally change the direction of our lives. But I guess that is human.

You know, sometimes, hearing the songs of this kind of series with moving stories and many feelings, when you hear the songs, the feelings come back. We say there is deep meaning in the song. Even though it may be in a totally different langeuage that you don't know. The songs still works and the feelings come back. But if a person who, or even i myself who has never seen the series hears the song, I may not even feel anything for the song....

1 litre of tears part 6

In episode 8, Aya says that she knows one day she will have to make that decision whether to leave school. And that if she does leave, then it will be like something in her life has ended. This is true. But we go through these all the time, we just have to be with the feeling through and through and soon we will realise that the feeling will get lesser as the day goes by and new things start to take the place of the old in your lifes. Not as in your memories, but as in what you are doing now and what occupies your mind.

Aya was saying that when she goes to the new school she would not know anyone. But I think it is always difficult, the initial phase. But when you just do it, with an open heart and an open mind. You get through it. Jiayou Aya!!

Ako, Aya's sister was saying that if she studies real hard, she would be able to get into Higashi High(Aya's current school) and she can be of help to Aya. I think this shows a common phenomena that when there is a crisis and someone is in trouble, when we want to help them, we get the extra strength. Also it would pull the family closer together...

Seeing the class discussing abt the issue of Aya, some of her friends feeling the toll of always taking care of her, it reminds me how things are in this world. Once your friendship isn't enough to balance out the sacrifices, this happens. But this is very normal, in this world many things work like that, one's patience may be a lot, but over long periods, it gets worn down. So in the end, you break. The truth is that it is just not enough. That is no problem. We just have to carry on and think of other solutions. No use blaming anyone. This makes me think of what Buddhism always says, Unconditional Love, Unconditional Love. Aya's friend says she helps Aya because Aya is her friend. That is a condition, a condition, the fuel to help as I mentioned above. So once the fuel runs out, then that's it, no more help. So in unconditional, there is no such thing. there is only pure compassion, pure help, regardless of any relationship or any profit or loss. Some ppl may think if it is really possible. I can say yes. Just look at the saints, Mother Teresa, even recent Masters like Master Hsing Yun, Master Seung Sahn, Master Jing Kong, Master Sheng Yen, Master Shinjo Ito and many others, they just do it. If you think to the end, there is no reason for them to do. But they just do it. We may think we are not saints, how can we be expected to do such a thing. But then, to be able to do such a thing, isn't it great? If we just try bit by bit each day. Before we know it, we may be there one day. With all our defilements, all our wants for ourself, all our vices, we may be there with them one day. So for now, we just do what we can, not thinking of gaining, not thinking of any condition. we just try our best. If we cannot do it anymore, then we can only say sorry to the person, we have tried our best. But through the struggle, there can be no regrets, because we have tried our best.

When ppl scold us for our lack of effort, our lack of compassion, our lack of wisdom, our lack of strength, what can we say, we may have a lot of it, but the truth is that it is just not enough. And that is what they are saying so what they say is the truth. So we do not need to defend ourselves or anything. We should just keep on trying. Keep on trying may sound stupid, why keep on trying? Well, there is a stage of trying without trying. Once you get used to always trying, it becomes part of your system. Not to try too hard, but just try, try just enough. The important thing is what my brother always says, to achieve maximum sustainability. What is try just enough? Just enough so that you can keep on trying non-stop. So that you will not like try so super hard and the next day you get totally shagged out and not want to try anymore. No, that is not the way to do things. We try just right, if it is getting too tiring for us, then we cut ourselves some slack. They may say we lack this and that today, it is okay, because if we keep on trying, one day we will make it.

Also, when we see that people have tried their best and it is not enough. Even if the result is terrible, we should not scold them. They have already tried their best. But sometimes scolding is good. Because it motivates them. So basically, regardless the method, the important thing is to keep motivating people.

We may hate two faced people, show and say one thing but do and mean another. But realise that this is a normal way of things in this society. Get used to it already! This is not what they actually want to do, but just do it unknowingly as this is the only way they know to make less problems for themselves and the society. All humans are selfish. We are not excluded. Understanding that, is there anything to be angry about? Is there anything to blame about? We should just help.

Asou says he is just a damn kid, all talk only(after he scolds the class for their two faced behavior of always saying good things infront of Aya but behind her they are actually thinking of chasing her out of school). Sometimes i think this is very normal. We are all like that. One moment we can be full upright, full of morals, saying all the 'right' things, but most of the time we are really not so morally upright. I think it is normal. Somtimes these talk only ppl are good and useful. Imagine if they do not say anything, no one will reflect on themselves. And then there can be no positive change. So sometimes, we must say and should say. But at the same time, we understand that no one is perfect, everyone is still human, 'a bodhisattva in training', to say it in a buddhist way. So when we meet these all talk ppl, we understand. Nothing to get angry about, Nothing to blame about. But we encourage them to live up to their words too. That is how I think.

After crying and talking to Asou, Aya smiles through her tears ad says "Bye Bye" at the bridge overlooking her school. I think this is how it is. It is ok to cry, to struggle, to be in the depths of sadness and pain. Don't have to block that or try to avoid that. Because, it is only after thoroughly going through these pain, crying, suffering of the part of you that you know being torn away from you that you are able to move on and say Bye bye.

Seeing how Aya says how she loves her dad and her mum and how she loves everybody, saying how all of them lifts her up by calling her big sis. I think that is what we should hope to be to other people. The source of hope, love and support of other people. I think only being so makes our lives worth living.

Wow!! What a great speech!! Aya's farewell speech to her class before she transfers to the disability school. She says, over the past year, things she has been able to do in the past have began to diminish one by one. In her dreams she is able to walk and talk normally to her friends, but when she wakes up she has a body which is not able to move freely. Her life has changed totally. What can she do to prevent a fall when she walks? What can she do to finish her lunch faster? What can she do to not let ppl's stares bother her? She can't function unless she consciously thinks of such stuff. Go to high school, then college, then get a job, How she originally pictured her future to be has been totally reduced to zero. She couldn't find how she should live her life. And she couldn't even see a small ray of hope. And she has thought countless times how the disease has shattered her life. But...but....this is reality no matter how sad. She can't escape the disease no matter how hard she cries (this is usually the case, but the crying and realising part is very necessary i think. the disease is karma, but how you look at it is not and you can decide that), and she can't turn back time no matter how much she wants to recapture the past. If that's the case then she need to start loving herself as she is now. That is what she thought. Because there are so many things she realised since she became affected by the disease. Like what a blessing it is just to have your family around(especially a complete and joyful one). or the warmth of a friends' touch when they subtly lend a hand. Or how extremely fortunate we are just to be healthy(so that's why i think we should use this health well and not waste it Sometimes, we do not realise how fortunate we are until we lose everything. When we lose everything then we realise how much we actually had and have now... It is when we return to zero, then we know and can see. If we just only knew). Not all were lost just because she got ill. That body of her's is her. The burden of disability that she is carrying, that is her. The person that she is now is who she is. She has decided to live with pride. that'swhy she has decided to go to the disability school........She and her classmates may exist in two different worlds but she wants to find light in every step she takes. For her to be able to say that with a smile, she probably has to shed a litre of tears(so that's where the name of the show comes from..) That's why she will never think that something in her life has ended when she leaves that school. Everyone, thank you for your kindness up till now.

She leaves the episode with the last words, "So what if you fall, as long as you get up again. If you lok up at the sky when you fall, the vast blue sky is smiling at you today too. I am alive"

1 litre of tears part 5

"As long as I am alive, I might as well be of use to other ppl." Well, that is how i see it too. If not I really do not know what we this life is good for. Although many times we still have self serving thoughts and bad thoughts, I think it is inevitable as we are all humans. But as long as we have this aim and strive towards it bit by bit, step by step. I think one days we can fully and totally achieve this aim. Is that what they call the Bodhisattva spirit in Buddhism?

The part where her friends blame her for not telling her...bah...kids.....ok patience......

To see an illness as not a misfortune, but an inconvenience. I think that's quite Buddhistic and high level. But beyond that, ppl still get angry at inconveniences. To see an inconvenience as part of life. I think that would be truely remarkable. However, passing the misfortune part, especially for such a serious illness.....I do not know if i am able to do that. Would the many years of Buddhism training be of use? Have I assimilated it yet? I am not sure too..

Asou was saying to Aya that how nice her family was. How nice that she has a place to belong... This place to belong...I too have such a place. And I don't think i'll ever understand the kind of loneliness....But this place to belong..will change..How will we deal with it, can we deal with it? I think that is impt. THis place to belong, on one hand it may be like our family and friends. On another level, it may just be the we that we know of, the 'i'. OUr 'comfort zone'. Are we ready to step out into the unknown?

Mari, Aya's fren stayed in the team in jr high because Aya was there.. Because you were there that's why i could go on. And you suddenly left. How can I blame her for being kids? It is a very human emotion that ppl of all ages possess. Hahaha! I judged too soon. Actually reflecting, many ppl regardless of age can become very childish at times. Acting like kids, they themselves would not know but the people beside them see it very clearly and they refuse to believe it when you tell them, jus like kids. Yes they would think out some sofisticated reason to justify their actions..but just to justify their kiddish actions. This is human. I am not excluded!

These japanese mums..how do they do it? Work and cook? Is that for real????

When Aya finds out that she her parents started looking for special schools for her, she told them that she should decide her future for herself. She knows that she had to give up many things. But giving up her friends, then she will cease to be her....well...it is difficult...but be courageous...We really don't know the despair that she is going through and what had brought her thus far.

In the parent teacher meeting, the mother was grilled on why her daughter is still here in the school as she is inconveniencing everyone... Well, every parent for their own child. It is normal human nature. But do we truely understand each other? When this parents grill Aya's mum, is it wrong? I do not think so. I think this is how society works. Everyone for their own survival. We stay in this world and society, this is how it works. Even if we were them, we would do exactly the same thing. So we can't blame people. It is quite understandable. There is a ways out and that is unless we can change the whole bunch of the society around us. If not it will not be helpful.
"Would you wait until she(Aya) comes up with the answer herself(whether she should leave school)?" I think that is the best. we would if it is within our means. Great compassion.

""Ah, I am so glad." It is alright for me to think that I wasn't always a burden to them, isn't it?" I guess it would help. If it helps we should do it.

1 litre of tears part 1

This show is about a 15 year old girl who developed a spino cerebullar degenerative disease and how she suffers with it, how she deals with it, together with her family and friends. I actually just watched the 2hr 20 min special. And i think it is a really great show, in that after watching it, I begin to reflect about my own life, how I deal with things. What would I do if I were her..

Now I just started watching the series. I'll just blog my thoughts as I go along.

Up to Episode 4: She walks along the same route to school, thinking, "Though I am seeing the same view like yesterday, walking the same road as yesterday, my whole world has totally changed. Surely I will never laugh like that again." How true is this, one day your world was perfect, the next it totally shatters, everything you know, seems to be different. Everything is different. It is almost like a dream, how can this happen?? How can this happen?? How can this be?? Just yesterday everything was fine, now it is totally changed. Do you understand? Without going through an great experience, of loss, of change...i think we can never thuely understand. It is like a dream, but this dream plays on. There is no getting out. Is that why the Buddhist teachings teach that life is just like a dream?? Since there is no getting out, I think there is only one way forward...what i just said are my thoughts...but i think it mirrors her's. Or is it because it mirrors mine...

What would happen if I too lost my ability to move, things that I have always taken for granted. Actually, this may sound strange, that's why since young, I have always prepared myself for this. I would always play the blind game and go around the house with my eyes closed, feeling my way across the room, across the house. Walk with the least amount of strength and muscle work, climb the stairs that way. But it seems it is inevitable. Preparing for that day. Have I done what I wanted to do. Will i cling on like how she does? I do not know. Ideally Buddhistically, one should not do so. But no one knows if i can accomplish that, until the real day comes or when the disease strikes. Will i be able to let it go..

She then says, " The old me no longer exist." I would like to add that the old life no longer exist.

Actually I think losing the control of your body when your mind still knows what is happening is the most scariest thing.

Mistakes, Regret, what do we do?

Let's say we make decision today. 10 years later, we realise it to be a bad decision which brings innumerable bad repercussions.

How would we feel?

Deep regret. We would want to change it, make time go back, we would do anything at all, anything at all, we would want to salvage it.

But, there is nothing we can do about it. The hurt and damage is already done.

What happens?
Hurt, pain, wanting to kill ourselves over it. The feeling of deep hurt, pain, regret, it is just so uncomfortable we just want to kill ourselves or someone over it.

OR

What happens?
We recognise our mistake. We recognise that we were young, impulsive, had a lack of foresight, had a lack of judgement, was naive, was lacking in wisdom, that at the time when we made the decision, it was with all our training in decision making from all of the years of our lives up to that point. It was to the best of our ability, with all the available information! If we could go back in time, without the knowledge of what we would know of the future, with our inmature mind and self, with our lack of wisdom, lack of judgement, lack of foresight, we would make exactly the same decision, there would be no difference at all! It was already to the best of our ability with the circumstances we had then! It couldn't have happened any differently. Even if we knew something more, within the stresses of the circumstances then, we might have done exactly the same thing then!! So how? What could we do? We feel deep regret, like it is tearing us apart. But only feeling regret and doing things like injuring oneself and others is no use and not beneficial to anyone. We need to turn this regret and channel it in a positive way, to help someone, to be of service to somebody, to make things better for people, to make ourselves wiser, to improve our foresight, to improve our judgement, to analyse the problem and make sure that we do not make this mistake again. This regret may never leave us and be with us always. But gradually, over time, we learn to live with it, just like how we live with scars. They are but part and parcel of this life. So do not let it consume your life, do not give it more power to wreck your life than it already has. Life goes on, the sky is still blue, and flowers bloom again, that's life.

Things we can do

Trying to help, in the end I couldn't do anything at all. Trying not to create trouble, in the end, more troubles are created. Dealing with a person who thinks he/she knows, thinking things out of thin air, imagining things and believing them to be real, refusing to listen to anything, what can I do? What can I do? Totalling nothing at all!!

But this is normal, sometimes, conditions are not right.....we can only hang in there and just move on...patience is needed

Experiencing Life

The good kid, protected and sheltered since young, perfect and obedient. Never experienced much. She wants to break out! What has she been missing, what is she missing out on? Hunger to see, hunger for the experience, the excitement. Hungry for the world has to offer.

She steps out, strides far, leaves the nest, flies away, the mother, worried but powerless for this is the growth of a child. That imprisoned spirit, finally the seal has faded, it is released.

Not knowing, the world: hate, sex, pain, love, craft, goals, zeal, enjoyment, happiness, exhilaration, the dumps, the struggle, the battles, the sights, the vastness...

all these stimulation, arrgh, all these feelings,!! Ultimately, all comes to naught, ultimately fleeting, accounts for nothing.

Travelling around the world, can't you see that it is nothing but these? Superficial and nothing useful. In the end, you'll find that something is still lacking. That void in your heart is still not filled. Around the world and back to square one. But not having seen, one cannot help but want to see, seeing is believing. It is growth, it is needed. Sigh. Why do they not believe? Why do they want so much to plunge themselves into this world to come back to where they started?

But yet, knowing this, one still yearns for the world. Why so? Why so indeed..I cannot understand also. Forever trapped in this cycle....A hero is needed

A Middle-Aged Princess Grows Up

A great read. Dun even know if it is true. But the struggles, the desires, the wisdom, the taking responsibility for your own happiness, the introspection, the courage to change. You can find all of it here. A good reflection piece, are we really, deep down just like her?

A Middle-Aged Princess Grows Up

On the cusp of my 45th birthday, I made the mistake of looking in the
mirror. It wasn’t the bathroom mirror, it was a photo I had from graduate
school. I looked at myself 20 years ago and had a startling and clear epiphany.
It wasn’t a happy moment. It was a terribly sad moment. It was so sad that I
involuntarily burst into tears, something I haven’t done since the dark days of
my divorce.
I looked at the photo and came to the conclusion that I had made
a real mess of my life. I felt the utter misery of my life come in waves of
sadness, regret, anger, and loneliness. For almost an hour I cried as I looked
at the photo of a younger me. I was 24 with a fresh MBA from an excellent
school. I was eager to conquer the business world. I was eager to prove that
women could do anything. I was so much thinner. My clothes looked stylish,
almost sexy. Of course the hair style was awful but that was the 80s and such
styles could be forgiven. I saw the brightness in my eyes, the sparkle of life,
of the great opportunities that were open to me. The world was there for my
taking and I was ready.
But somehow, some way, it never came to be. My life
evolved into something painful and difficult. But until that moment when I
looked at my photo from over two decades ago, I always blamed someone else. It
was never my fault for the bad decisions I made. Typically, it was the fault of
men - my father, my boyfriends, my husband, my boss, my sons. Never, ever was it
something that I had done. When I commiserated with my women friends, they
always supported me. They even supported me when I had my affair, telling me
that my husband was not giving me the attention that I needed. I read the
women’s magazines and every article was about how women were always strong,
intelligent, morally righteous, unable to make bad decisions. Worse, I believed
that any of my needs, no matter how frivolous, no matter how many times I
changed my mind, no matter how miserable I made the men in my life feel, were
more important than anything - motherhood, career advancement, a healthy
marriage, whatever.
I hate the world for teaching me those lessons. I
remember complaining about how my husband never grew up. But as the tears
streamed down my face, I came to the conclusion that I had never grown up. I
never learned about compromise, trust, tolerance, niceness. I was a bitch, pure
and simple. I know now that being a bitch is not about strength or independence.
Being a bitch is about being repellent, unpleasant, unhappy, and lonely. Being a
bitch is nothing more than being a spoiled princess who is too selfish or stupid
to accept the joy in life.
I had become a fat, unpleasant, middle-aged
princess because I had refused to grow up. Sure, I had taken on grown-up
responsibilities (marriage, career, house, motherhood) but at the core of my
psyche was a 13-year-old girl who stamped her feet and whined when she didn’t
get her way. Of course, I had stopped whining years ago but I simply replaced
the whining with emotional manipulation and ornery bitchiness. No wonder I was
still single and my two teenaged sons spent all their free time with their
father.
When I was growing up, being a dilettante feminist, I swallowed the
standard line that women can have it all. I wanted it all and I wanted to make
no compromises, to assume no sacrifices, and to feel completely validated in all
of my lifestyle choices. The biggest mistake in my late teens and early 20s was
to let other women - women whom I thought to be strong, independent, and
intelligent - determine which lifestyle I was to follow. I was simply too
spoiled and lazy to look inward, to embrace the kind of introspection necessary
to find one’s own path in life, the path that could lead to real fulfillment and
happiness.
I remember college well. It was a fun time and I thought, at the
time, an enlightening time. The parties were exciting, the political debates
intense, the string of boyfriends and casual sexual encounters pleasant. I
studied hard and I played hard. I attended the campus feminist meetings and
listened to diatribes from sturdy and self-righteous peers about the evils of
masculinity. I learned to scorn men when I didn’t need them for selfish reasons
- study partners, shoulders to cry on, willing sexual partners. But I was never
hesitant to bat my eyelashes or let my skirt ride up on my then-slender thighs
if I needed something from a man. Men were handy to have around occasionally,
but certainly not required, as my female peers kept insisting.
I learned that
the only place for a woman was in the boardroom and that motherhood was beneath
my intelligence. I “took back the night” at a few after-dark rallies with
hundreds of young women eager to prove to the world that all men were rapists
and potentially violent criminals.
When I got pregnant my sophomore year, it
was easy to get an abortion. The campus health center was almost eager to make
sure the procedure was done quickly and quietly. I never told my parents. I
never told the fellow who made me pregnant. I don’t even remember his name, I
only vaguely remember a wild night with the college hockey team at an off-campus
party. Only now do I consider the irony of how I was attracted to college
athletes in school - the type of men who liked being in control.
Pursuing my
MBA once I completed my undergraduate studies was a foregone conclusion. I was
destined for the board room, or so I had convinced myself. Graduate school was
tough. I was competing with some very bright people, mostly men. Those men were
destined for success and they knew it. But I had something that I exploited. I
had my femininity and I used it ruthlessly when I had to. I tried to convince
myself that the affair with my married finance professor had nothing to do with
grades. Of course, finance was the most difficult course and when I managed
surface at the end of the semester with a B it was hard to rationalize that the
secret trysts with the professor had nothing to do with it. But the ends always
justifies the means and there was no way I would not succeed. The other few
women in my class were doing the same if they could get away with it. We never
talked about it, but it was understood and we sometimes giggled about it and
gloated that we had something the men would never have.
I met my husband that
last year in graduate school. He was pursuing a degree in sociology. The
chemistry with him was quite intense in the beginning. He had long hair and a
motorcycle. He was the classic bohemian and I felt the need to rein him in, to
make him a better man (or at least my definition of a better man). He was
irresponsible and sometimes unruly but I loved him with all my heart and
soul.
After graduating, I found work in a big corporation. Every day I went
to work with my power suit and shoulder pads under my jacket. I walked in my
sneakers and changed into work shoes when I got to the office at 7AM to put in
another 12 hour day. I was married by then in a wedding straight from Modern
Bride magazine. My husband had finally cut his hair after much insistence from
me. He would later call it severe nagging but I got my wish so it didn’t
matter.
He found work in a consumer research organization. He didn’t get paid
as much as me but that didn’t matter. My income was big and growing bigger. We
bought a house I found in the suburbs. He had recommended something more modest
and closer to downtown where we both worked. I would have none of that. My
success had to be readily visible with a big, traditional house and a big lawn.
I made sure he took care of the lawn despite his resistance.
After five
years, I felt the need to have babies. It wasn’t a mutual decision. I wanted
babies. No, I desperately needed a baby. I felt empty inside without kids. It
was a completely irrational feeling for a high-flying career woman hell-bent on
being the next corporate CEO. My husband was cool towards the idea. He asked how
we would balance the demands of being parents and supporting a rather expensive
lifestyle. I didn’t care. My womb was empty. I had needs. Neither reason nor
logic affected my needs or my feelings.
So, the first baby came. Instantly,
life changed. I couldn’t put in the hours I needed to maintain my career
trajectory. My husband changed as well. He quickly lost his bohemian attitudes.
He sold his motorcycle and became a devoted father to our son. Of course, I had
been pushing for this since we had gotten married. His words, as revealed during
the divorce, were “shrill, nagging harpy who relentlessly pushed me into
fatherhood”. But he loved our first son and even offered to work only part time
to allow me to keep on with my career. That would not do. I was the mother, the
queen, the all-knowing and wise creator of my son. My husband was clearly an
incompetent boob who didn’t know a diaper from a car seat.
My boss saw that I
was distracted with my new duties as super-mom. He looked at my productivity and
knew I couldn’t perform like my single or childfree colleagues. So, I was
“mommy-tracked”. They didn’t call it that then. But when a male colleague was
promoted over me, I knew what was happening. I hated it. I was livid. How could
I not have it all? So, I played the feminine card again, this time with a stick,
not a carrot. I paid a visit to Human Resources with a veiled threat of a
discrimination lawsuit. It didn’t work, of course, because it was very clear
that I was putting in fewer hours with the resultant loss of productivity. It
was all documented and defensible. I was furious. How dare they. I summoned up
all the righteous wrath I could. I consulted an outside attorney, a ferocious
female lawyer who was quite prepared to sue until she made a pass at me.
Open-minded I was, but certainly not a lesbian. I let the legal issue drop and
sullenly accepted my reduced role at work. After all, we had expenses to pay and
my salary was certainly needed.
I watched my husband evolve from bohemian to
responsible father. He was astoundingly good with our first son. Of course, at
the time, I didn’t recognize that. I thought everything he did was wrong. Only
I, the supreme mother, could raise our first boy. We struggled for a couple of
years. It wasn’t easy. So, when I got pregnant again - unplanned by my husband,
completely planned by me - the stress continued to grow. Money wasn’t tight but
the pressure to maintain our lifestyle and that big house was mostly on my
shoulders. I resented my husband for that. He had chosen a career he loved but
the pay was not nearly as much as mine. I really had to work and with being on
the mommy track, there was no way I could achieve what I had expected in my
career.
We did use day-care and a part-time housekeeper. Actually, we went
through eight housekeepers. They were never good enough for me. Nothing was good
enough for me. My shoes didn’t fit, my clothes looked bad, the car wasn’t clean
enough, my husband wasn’t up to my standards. Looking back in brutal honesty, I
was a stark, raving bitch. I don’t think I said a nice word in years. I am
amazed that my husband put up with me. I didn’t take him seriously, he was just
a man, after all.
In my limited social life, I spent time with women like me.
We were an unhappy group of 30-something moms with powerful careers. But we also
smiled and pretended that life was perfect. We all had the right homes, the
right cars, the right schools, the right careers. We convinced ourselves that we
did have it all. Occasionally, one of us might vent some frustration at the
situation. When that happened, we always had convenient scapegoats - our
husbands, our bosses, our housekeepers, the schools, whatever. It was never,
ever our fault because we were female.
With one son at five and the other at
seven, it fell apart. Rather, it exploded. My husband just gave up. He had been
supportive to me and good with the children. So, it caught me by surprise when
he just gave up. I guess I should have seen it. I was always using sex as a
weapon with him. If he didn’t do exactly what I said, if he didn’t bend over
backwards to fulfill my every whim, he didn’t experience any kind of sexual
pleasure. I remember I caught him playing with himself one night. I was furious.
How could he experience sexual satisfaction without my control being somehow
involved?
As a healthy woman, I did have my own sexual needs. So, rather than
enjoy sex within the context of a marriage, I had an affair. It was easy. I was
still somewhat attractive. There were men around. “Why not?” I easily
rationalized to myself. My husband doesn’t give me enough attention, it’s all
his fault. The affair was inconsequential, just some sex on weekends and on
business trips. I needed it so therefore it was OK. While my husband was being a
father, I was being an empowered, independent woman visiting cheap motels with a
man who could give me orgasms.
The affair lasted three months. My husband
never found out. He didn’t need to, he just gave up. Interestingly, he channeled
his efforts into a side business as a marketing consultant. This proved to be
quite lucrative for him. Within six months his income had exceeded mine. Our
savings account grew substantially. “It’s for the boys’ college tuition” he told
me over and over again.
I was unhappy. My career was stressful and
unrewarding. My two sons were closer to my husband than to me because of all the
hours I was working. He had quit his full-time job and was thriving as a
marketing consultant, a job that he could do out of the house with just his
computer and a phone. I felt frustrated and unfulfilled. My female friends
recommended counseling. So, we gave that a try. I subtly picked a counselor whom
I know would be sympathetic to me. The sessions were actually fun in a very
unpleasant way. The counselor and I spent 50 minutes picking on my husband. He
quietly sat there and took it, apologizing and promising to change. I didn’t
have to promise to do anything. The counselor - a woman much like me - made it
very clear that my needs were paramount and his needs were completely
irrelevant.
Naturally, the counseling didn’t work for us. My husband
retreated into fatherhood and his growing business. I contemplated another
affair. Unfortunately, I was gaining a lot of weight. At a size 12, it was hard
to get attractive men to look at me. My friends recommended that I consider
divorce. I look back and think about my “friends” from that period in my life.
They were a group of unhappy women trying so hard to validate their own, poor
life decisions. I let them influence me when I should have been strong. That was
an enormous mistake.
I didn’t hate my husband I just didn’t love him like I
used to. I wanted a new and better life. I could raise my sons without him. I
had been reading that kids really didn’t need fathers. I was feeling so
unfulfilled. When I served my husband with divorce papers, he didn’t seem
surprised. I had consulted with a good divorce attorney and she strongly
recommended that I go for everything - house, cars, custody, alimony, child
support, everything. “It’s a war and as a woman, you have to win” were her
words.
The divorce was ugly and despite the fact that I did get the house,
the car, the kids, child support, and the savings account that he had filled, I
ultimately lost. My ex moved out, leaving me to take care of the house and kids.
He moved into a very modest apartment and we agreed that he could see the boys
on weekends. The court actually ordered that to happen. I was happy to force him
out of their lives completely but he was rigidly insistent and that damned judge
agreed.
I was single again. I was ready to date again. But at 38, dating was
not like the wild times in college and graduate school when I was young,
alluring, and desired by men. No, I was a single mom now. I had cut my hair
short and my figure was almost past the point of no return. The kind of man I
wanted to date had no interest in me. Those powerful and successful men had
younger, prettier, nicer girlfriends.
The divorced men were the worst. They
were either so disillusioned that they couldn’t handle a relationship or they
were just hopping from bed to bed, not willing to be exclusive. I so much wanted
to be swept off my feet into the arms of an attractive man to take care of me
and make my troubles go away. I still thought of myself as a princess. I was
still silly, stupid, and immature.
Yet the men I was attracted to wouldn’t
give me a second thought. The men who did want me were totally unsuitable. It
was astounding to me that I wasn’t attractive any more. So many men in college
were after me. I remember mocking all the guys who approached me at parties. If
they had the slightest flaw, I pushed them away, usually with a pointed insult
or two. I never thought twice about the men I rejected, some of them decent and
sweet when I look back on it. My girlfriends and I called them “mamma’s boys”
while we let ourselves be taken by the cocky, arrogant pricks who always made us
feel overpowering attraction and lust.
To make matters worse, I couldn’t fix
anything in the house. My husband had tended to all those matters. My boys were
pre-teens and very difficult for me to handle. They hated the fact that they
could only see their father on weekends. Their grades dropped. They started
having discipline problems in school. Naturally, I blamed their father. It was
all his fault that we divorced and that he lived apart from them. I tried not to
say bad things about him in front of my sons but the feelings were just so
strong. I said terrible things about their father, especially when I was
drinking, which I did a lot of back then.
If I was unhappy when I was
married, I was now wretchedly miserable as a single mom looking for love again.
I tried hard to convince myself that I was a strong, independent, and
intelligent woman. Sometimes it worked, especially when I was browbeating
subordinates at work. I actually hated my job. I made a good living, yes. Yet I
had reached the zenith of my career and the board room was not one bit closer. I
still felt terribly conflicted about being a good mom and being the corporate
woman.
I had lots of blame to dole out. There was no way that the current
state of my life was the result of my decisions. My single girlfriends all told
me that, many, many times over copious cocktails in sundry singles bars. I read
a lot of women’s magazines and the advice I got said pretty much the same thing
- a woman is never to blame.
I tried to lose weight but it was so very
difficult. When I was hungry, I simply had to eat, usually ice cream or
something with chocolate. I had to buy new clothes, again, because the weight
kept piling on. I was set up on a blind date and the man had the sheer audacity
to say “I’m sorry, I’m just not attracted to you because of your weight.” I
never thought about my own hypocrisy about trying to find a man to whom I was
attracted to physically. Men must be attracted to me, I am a woman, after
all.
The past few years have been kind of a blur. My ex husband had found a
new love of his life and I naturally hated him for that. I tried to increase the
child support payments. When that didn’t work, I tried to prevent my sons from
visiting him. They fought me on this. I took out my frustrations at work. My
boss threatened to fire me. Only my girlfriends gave me any support. We had
boozy nights where we ate and drank too much. Frankly, we were a bunch of fat,
unhappy, single women who heaped blame upon the world for the state of our
lives.
So when I saw the photograph from college, the epiphany hit hard.
Through the tears of anguish, rage, bitterness, and denial came the incredibly
painful realization that I was responsible for my own unhappiness. I finally
figured out that I had not grown up and had not truly embraced adulthood. This
was six months ago.
I’ve made some profound changes in my life since then.
First and foremost, I stopped blaming everyone else for my own problems. This
was the hardest. For my entire life I was told - and I believed - that as a
woman, I could do no wrong, that I was not responsible, that I was always the
victim in some way. Over and over I had to tell myself that only I am
responsible for my happiness.
Once I learned to stop blaming the world, I
taught myself to be pleasant and nice. This was hard as well. I had always
mistaken pleasantness for weakness. This is not the case. A new colleague at
work - a woman from the South - showed me very clearly it’s quite easy to be
nice and be strong at the same time.
I also dumped my girlfriends. This was
easy. This group of unhappy and negative women was actually encouraging me to do
stupid things like divorce a perfectly good man because of my selfish and very
arbitrary feelings of the moment. I finally learned that acting solely on
feelings is the realm of children, not adults. Maybe those women will finally
learn that. But I doubt it.
I’m at the gym every day. After being rebuffed by
so many attractive and decent guys, I decided to apply standards of real
equality to the whole dating thing. After all, if I believe in physical
attraction, why should not I understand that men are the same way? Being fat
means not being physically attractive to many, many men so it’s up to me to do
something about, not be angry with men about the situation. The weight is coming
off. It’s a battle, to be sure, but it’s coming off. I’m also letting my hair
grow and getting rid of that awful “mom” hair style.
I no longer read those
loathsome women’s magazines nor do I watch a lot of TV. When I freed my mind
from so many complete misconceptions about men, I learned that men are actually
wonderful people. My sons saw my transformation. As they grow older and become
men in their own right, I have stopped nagging them about “feelings” and
“sensitivity” and encourage them to be men. I doubt I’ll ever mend fences with
my ex husband, all I can do is hope that he finds happiness and joy in his life.
I have a new respect for him, a respect born from understanding that men are
very different, not worse, just different. My ex is also an excellent father, I
am blessed for that.
I’ve learned to accept that my needs aren’t the center
of the universe. That was actually quite liberating. No longer am I a slave to
the whimsy of my often shallow emotions that can’t be reasonably fulfilled. This
means I complain less. If I can’t change the situation, why complain about it?
Winter is cold, my complaints about the temperature will do nothing to warm the
air.
The biggest regret I have in life is being so weak as to not to have
made the serious introspection until this point in my life. If I were truly
strong, truly intelligent, I would have really thought about what is important
to me instead of following the herd. In retrospect, clawing my up the corporate
ladder was a very bad decision. Exploiting my femininity to manipulate men was
even worse. I love being a woman but using sex to get what I want is no better
than a man using brute strength to get what he wants.
I’m still single and
dating still eludes me. There is a glimmer of hope, however, a very nice man
complimented me on my smile. At 45 years old, that was the first time anyone has
noticed my smile. My eldest son noticed it too, “Mom, I’ve never seen you smile
until now.” Life must get better for me. That’s my responsibility, no one
else’s.