1 litre of tears part 7

"The seasons pass me by pretending not to notice a thing." Aya says in episode 9. Well, a Zen master would say, "Look at the sky, it is still blue, the clouds float by and the river still flows. Don't you notice that your problems all come from your own mind??"......I would say jiayou Aya!!

Moving into the new school, her mother asks, "Daijoubu?(Everything all right?)" Aya smiles and answers, "Daijoubu!(All right)" How reassuring. Hearing this line, how many hearts are put at rest. The power of one word.

Seeing the her roomie with the same illness but at a more advanced stage. I wonder what Aya is thinking. Maybe...OMG....am I going to be like her, having the same stunted speech as her? Seeing the future you as that day by day is really terrible...

Hearing how your child is going to slowly suffer and die from the doctor.....that must be really terrible and heart wrenching. Somtimes, you know, i am not a good counsellor, I usually know how they are feeling, but I do not know what to say to make it better. Wish I could do a bit more...

When you say something and people just don't get what you are talking abt....how annoying is that, how frustrating. Imagine having to deal with that 24/7. Maybe I would talk much less.... But i guess after sometime we can get used to it. But....not being able to talk so freely, i guess i will surely be quite down....drowned in my own negative thoughts and delusions...without anyone to talk to.

Aya says, she would not be able to walk with Asou any more, she would not be the Aya that went into High School with Asou. That they now live in two different worlds. When you set your heart on following someone through their whole life. What kind of vow are you making? When a person totally changes, physically(as in Aya's case) or mentally(as in go crazy) and not be the 'person' whom you dated or loved in the past. What would you do? What kind of commitment are you making? Is it even possible??? The person now that you see is totally different from the person whom you made the promise with. Is the promise even still valid? Are you now with a stranger or with the person whom you made the promise with? With a person who is invalid, but character and mentality is still stable, it may be more convincing to say that this is still the same person. But to a person who is mentally different, can you still say for sure that you would keep that vow and take care of that person? Are you not taking care of a stranger??? Think carefully, imagine, the only similar thing is the body, nothing else!

OMG! Aya's case of not being able to communicate with people because of her inability to talk properly reminds me of me and my grandma. My grandma cant talk much too....actually she can, but i do not understand her. Only my parents, the maid and my sis who stays with her understands. For me and her, i can only smile at her and talk one sidedly. The doc told Aya that the most impt thing is that she has the desire to communicate and the listener has the desire to listen. But in my case with my grandma, we both have the desire, but it still needs sometime and exposure i guess.

The sis says she wants to graduate in her Aya nee's(elder sis) place from Higashi High(which is a good school). Some ppl might tell her to live for herself, and not for someone else. But this is good isn't it? At least it gives her strength and she benefits her also(cos she was never much of a good student previously).

Aya said that in her dreams she usually saw herself running freely, but in today's dream, she saw herself in a wheel chair. She said that, she thought she had fully accepted her condition, but maybe deep in her heart she hasn't. Isn't this always the case, we bluff ourselves that it is ok, we have accepted it, but deep in our hearts, we never believed it to be true, we never accepted it....That's why I always question if we truely know our feelings. In Buddhism, we do meditation. What is meditation for? I think, it is to understand ourselves. To understand ourselves, how our mind works, understand our feelings. What do we really feel, what do we really think. Do not live in a lie, be true to yourself from your heart.

Asou tells her no matter how slow she talks, he would listen to her. Do you know how reassuring is that? But as normal ppl, do we have such strength? Such patience? Buddhism believe we can all do it. They believe the solution lies in the power of unconditionally doing things, the Buddhists believe we can do anything if we master that. Well, if you think through it, it does make some sense. He says, "Even though it wouldn't be like old times, our feelings are connected, so I don't think we live in separate worlds." Well, in Buddhism, I have read countless accounts of such realisations of masters that once they reach enlightenment, they realise that we are not separate, that we are not living in separate worlds. They realise that oneness in all and that's where we have great compassion for all beings, because we are never separate to start with but we have a mental construct that we are and this is our big problem. The realise the non subject-object and jump out of the dualistic world that we live in.

When you have no guarantee of the future, the present is the only thing you can live for. We only realise this when we have no guarantee of the future. But living like that, appreaciating every moment is what brings true joy. Because, every small thing that you receive, every moment that you are given, you are full of gratitude and joy.

My god, even though they say that this is only one life in many, but to undergo such adventures in this life, to live through it really requires 1 litre of tears and more.

In the last part of the episode, she says, doing the 'ma pa fa' speech rehab practice, she 'talks' to herself quite often. And it is no different from talking to somone else, that's why she does it so often.... I don't think i'll be able to do that. It is truely admirable. Her mindset and mentality is such, mine is totally different as i said earlier. She chooses to talk more to herself in a positive way and I will just let the disease and disablilty totally consume me and drown in it, sinking deeper. Our lives can go in totally different directions. How it is interesting that just a small difference in the way we see things can totally change the direction of our lives. But I guess that is human.

You know, sometimes, hearing the songs of this kind of series with moving stories and many feelings, when you hear the songs, the feelings come back. We say there is deep meaning in the song. Even though it may be in a totally different langeuage that you don't know. The songs still works and the feelings come back. But if a person who, or even i myself who has never seen the series hears the song, I may not even feel anything for the song....