My first Zen and meditation retreat

July 3: Nothing much, arrived on that day by the last boat of the day, luckily I met Lee, if not I would not be able to find my way to the place as there were no taxis left by that time at the new harbour. Must call the security to call in the cab. If not call the temple to call a cab for us.

July 4: Legs were getting more and more painful but I stuck with using the double lotus. Think the answer to Mu is the thing in front of you. It is very hot, we had to sit in the main Dharma Hall for afternoon session meditation. There were just so many mosquitoes and houseflies, totally irritating. One housefly even went into my shirt from my sleeve.

July 5: Could not concentrate for the morning sittings. Changed many methods to meditate on Mu:

1. Repeat the story of the koan over and over again many times

2. Count 1 breath next breath mu and repeat

3. Say (intone) breathe in, breathe out until stable, then say clear mind, mu and synchronise with breath

4. did an interview, I answered Mu with taking out a packet of tissue paper from my pocket. It was wrong. Shifu asked me the kong an for what is eyes, ears nose, mouth used for and I passed easily except for the mouth one, which he told me to ask him back whereby he gave me a really correct function and good answer.

My last method was just intoning clear mind and mu all the way. I find that the trick is not to let the eyes wander around themselves. Sometimes, my mind still wonders with this the intoning of the clear mind and mu would bring them back. Today afternoon was cooler as it was about to rain when we sat there. Night sitting that night was bad. Can’t remember why at the moment of writing.

July 6: Morning was bad, din sleep well, it seems although I slept throughout until3.50am but morning still slept a lot more for the 2 remaining session.

Afternoon was good, ok 1^st session got into sing the breathe in, mu…..that time it as no problem.

July 7: morning It always seems that first morning sittings are always quite terrible. Plagued by sleepiness and all. It was just torturous. Wanting to move and get up. But couldn't. However, after the sitting, the bowing, and waking in the park, i find myself asking for more. It also seems that for all the great vows of a bodhisattva, morning when i wake up, it just seems that it is so difficult. The monks life is really difficult. I find myself asking what am i doing here. And that i want to go back home to civilian life. Morning, when i wake up, i think, the sittings are sheer torture! Just what am i doing this for? Time just seems to fly away. The mozzies bites are really terrible. There must be like at least 40 from the last few days here and they do get itchy now and then.

On the other hand, breathe in breathe out mu is like slowly becoming my friend. It is like always with me, always just beside. Calling mu mu mu, like trying to create some relationship between mu and myself. I have an answer in mind, dono if it will be the correct one. Morning session, first incense was plagued by leg pain at the end. Second incense, Tried an intensive breathe in and out mu, the kind which is like panting, no break between the breaths, no space for thoughts to come in. was great, after i stopped abruptly, donno why, all was quiet. That was it. And i could breathe long long breaths after that. Peaceful till the end. Then next session tried to start the intensive session again. Couldn't work at first. Just din feel right. Then i reverted to taking it slow and using long deep breaths. Then all of a sudden, the urge came, and it started, the panting. I tried my best to carry it through right till the end of the session, my double lotus leg pain din bother me, unlike the first session. The second session was single lotus, no problem. The last session, i tried my best until i got some strange sensation all over my body. Like tingling, a bit of numbness, was very hot. Maybe because of the effort. And was breathing through the dantian. But that was it, the chukpi sounded and it ended. No special thing happened. I am still i. After lunch, strange, while before the morning sitting, mu was a friend constantly with me. Now it is gone. I think there is something wrong...Afternoon session didn't go well, i did a session myself before the afternoon one started. That one went well, became very calm and serene after that. But when i shifted down, maybe because of the mozzies, couldn't concentrate at all. Am very disheartened. Cant even keep my attention on my breath.... They said, dont check and just do it go straight only. So that is what i am going to do, donno if it is right, but i will just keep my attention on my breath for as long and as many times as i can in between all the discursive thoughts. For all the 'dharma' that i spout all day, cant even do the most fundamental of buddhist activity, meditation, watching your breath, intoning with wu, properly. What kind of buddhist is that man??? I am not giving up. I am going to have a go at it again. Dun get it. They say it is simple and yet i cant get it. Argh! Cant even do a simple thing right..back aches a little, mozzie bites abound, come on again! Ya!!! Yup, i think i got something. Added a session in for the night one myself so i did 4 sessions for night. There is this trick that i use. I found it out at the 2nd session and wanted to see if i can carry it through for the next 2 sessions and i did, more or less. The trick is like this, i told myself, hey, let's start, 1, 2, 3 go! And sit straight, start breathing from the dan tian, breathe deep, breathe out, mu.....the important thing is that the eyes must be clear. As in u can see the wall or the floor in front of you. I use my eyes to keep my attention to the breathing and the mu. Then i imagine something like i am shooting laser, electric bolts of mu at the wall in front of me. Actually i did this quite fiercely, all the while din wanna give up and loose my concentration. There was this part when thoughts of my vices came along, i visualised using the mu bolt to shoot it and it was gone! Incredible! Buddha come, shoot buddha, teacher come, shoot teacher! Attachment come, shoot attachment. It is really quite powerful. Time seemed to fly by in today's night sessions, leaving me asking for more. Hopefully this skill stays and i can continue practicing it tmr morning. Donno if the doubts that i mentioned above is part of the great doubt that one should have from zen practice..never mind. Sleep now and hope for a good day tmr! Mu!!!

July 8: Morning, it all starts again, i wake up to a slow start. Today is raining. Difficult to keep focus again. But it is the best early morning session that i ever had i must say. I din expect the chukpi to come so soon. Though the thought of whether the chukpi is coming did flash through my mind. Shit in the stomach also seems to interfere with the meditation. Or maybe it is because of the double lotus posture...

Second sitting for morning sitting was in single lotus. Thought it would be good, but was sleeping most of the time though i tried to keep my focus, but to no avail. Couldn't keep even like 20 counts of breath.

Today's morning session is spent drifting into and out of hallucinations. Maybe a bit sleepy. Somehow i do not have the strength to do the visualisation and did away with most of it. All 3 of the morning sessions were the same. However, the strange thing is that when we went downstairs for the afternoon chanting, when the bell was hit to bow, it was as if i was hearing it for the first time. Very clear and it clearly means to bow. Yup that's it for the morning session, hopefully i manage to do better for the afternoon.

Today, for the afternoon session, couldn't, how to say..was just disheartened again thoughts ran through my mind. Couldn’t do anything abt it. Got frustrated, even thought of squashing the mosquito that was biting me. Was swatting away mosquitoes that was near my hand.. They say dun check. Just do. Well, i even tried to ask the what is wu question to myself and keep the dun know mind from it. I seemed to be more in a daze. Is that dun know mind? I dun think so...then for the last session, totally give up, frustration, anger, all became renewed effort again. They say be a man with nothing to do. Dun get it but isn't that no good at all? But anyway, i think i mu mu mu so many times that just now when i got tired of looking at the floor and looked up at the tree for a while, it seemed to be muing back at me and so were all other things. Maybe it is just my imagination..ah whatever, shifu says to have faith in the method and just do it so i just do it la.

Night session was ok. Nothing much to say, sometimes keeping attention sometimes not. I guess some of my attachments have been cut off but some are still quite deep. Whether i get the kong an or not seems inconsequential to me. Seems like i have given up ya? But i think buddhist training is like that. A bit by a bit. Takes time. So long alr, donno when is the next interview. Sometimes i think a real retreat would be better than this one. At least more ppl practicing there is more together action and more getting into the mood. More interviews with the zen master seriously trying to develop you. I dun know. But i guess i gained something from the meditation. But cant pin point specifically what. Yup that's all for the night. Tmr is fasting day. No water even. But they say tmr we go out to beach. So no training? Then i would only have 2 days left which i dun think will have any progress cos of the beach trip which breaks the mood. So guess maybe my retreat ends here. Morale not really high now it seems..good night.

July 9: early morning session was marked with sinus and sleepiness. Think i spent most of my time sleeping except for 5 min for each session on mu..then since today is the fasting day, i managed to do in another 30 min session myself after the early morning sessions before i had to blow nose. Then i went to take a nap for 30 min in hope that the nose would clear but to no avail. So now i guess i'll go back to meditate till the morning sessions start.

Whole morning session was marked with flu. Dun think i did any beneficial meditation. Best that can be said is that i just sat there. Flu is almost cleared though. But it may just come back again as it like. Got bitten on the lip by a mosquito cos i was closing my eyes while meditating.

Read through kyong ho sunim's inspirational words and was really inspired. Could concentrate better after that. Watching the mind like a cat catching a mouse, never letting go, never letting up. Always seek to find the mind. What is it that hears, what is it that sees. What is it hat chants, what is it that mus, what is it that feels. That is it. So i am working on that now. Meanwhile, venerable has brought us to mersing, to a beach resort, to take in the energy of the nature. Din want to go at first, but shifu said it'll be good so here i am at the beach resort. Nothing much of a resort, just a house by the beach. We reached at around 5.45pm, it is free activity until the next day 5.30am when i have to help with the preparation of breakfast. Was thinking if i'll be free from mozzies, in the end, no. There are even more here.. Oh well, what a lot of mozzies they have here. 2 more days and i'll be going back to singapore. Missing it a little, all the comfort. I think it is the mozzies fault. Haha! By the way, afternoon i managed to squeeze in one meditation session and we did one before going off. Both were good because of the words of inspiration of kyong ho. We reached the beach resort in the evening, cant recall the time. Anyway took a long walk down the beach and went to sleep ealy that night. Thought it'll be free of mozzies and any was i wrong. It was mozzies abound! I tried to do a short meditation after my bath at 7 but in the end have up due to the mozzies. I was alr covered up to my head to do the meditation and i could see like 6 mozzies flying in front of my face so yea, it is quite a crazy place. Even shifu went to sleep in his car that night! Haha! I slept with sunim. I hid under the blanket and used my jacket to cover my head leaving only my mouth exposed and blowed the fan at speed 3 the whole night to fight the mozzies! Donno how sunim felt but sometimes, when my hands are exposed, they would immediately get bitten. Before switchin on the fan, i could still hear the mozzies flying around my head even when my head is under my jacket! Anyway yea, that's all for the beach trip for the night.

July10: woke up intermittently during the night. But finally woke up at almost 5 to do some chanting and help prep breakfast. Drank water the first thing it was past 12. Quite crazy, their fast here is without drinking water! Anyway the next morning breakfast consisted of raw fruits and vege and drinking a bowl of lemon juice salt water. Purposely done to give u the runs. And i did a little. So after lao sai, took long walk down the pristine beach, also to suntan. Haha! Anyway, we passed nus time like that the whole morning relaxing and reading magazines. Then around 11 we left the place. Oh btw, the 'resort' is but a hut. No air con. Yea, so we left, ate some western lunch as we couldn't find any chinese food eatery which server vege around town. But din feel too good after lunch.. Anyway we took a super long and relaxed drive back to the zen centre. Stopped for a break at a coffeeshop and another break at a large grocery store. By the way, the other shifu nun with us became sick after getting my flu. I recoverd while she became worse. She was sniffing non- stop the whole journey. Why did we go to the beach? Shifu told me that it is because sunim was with us. I think this zen school has the culture of bringing their guest monks for sight seeing. Anyway, we reached back to the centre around 1 and the other retreatant had to go back and shifu gave me the practice of washing car and i needed to set up the table and fill the water in the lotus pots and wash the plates and shift the cushions up cos the other lady washed them while we were gone and in between had to bathe too. So was very busy. Then i saw the sms that the inter-religious cca that i am in is having a meeting the next day at 6.30pm. Well since i will be going the day after morning, i guess i'll leave tmr. Shifu tells me there is a boat that leaves at 1, so i'll leave after lunch. We did the evening service and 2 sittings before turning for the night. The night sittings were full of thoughts planning what i was going to do tmr, returning to singapore and in singapore. Hmmm, this retreat is really not what i thought. Or maybe shifu let it be so. Maybe this was not a retreat in the sense of a zen retreat. It is more like a holiday get away for singaporeans. Maybe i should join a real zen retreat. I wanted a zen style, intensive buddhist retreat. But there were just too many lizard shits and mozzies around and relaxing at the beach, washing the car, menial work and the such. But that is what the nun here does, as far as i can tell. After being with shifu for these days, in close proximity, it seems to me that he is nothing special, nothing zennish, of course he can spout great zen speeches especially in chinese (i suspect all these zen speech and koan stuff is just dharma candy, i think shifu thinks so too so he doesn't seem very on abt it), but he still gets frustrated and seems to be quite harsh on the nun. Or so it may seem, he may just be teaching the nun. Cos the nun seems a little stubborn at times and a bit of easily frustrated kind. Haha! But she is a really caring and nice nun at most times. I wonder how she deals with shifu. She always just stubbornly speaks back at him in a calm voice when he scolds her and like nothing has happened, she will just talk to him normally later abt other stuff. Haha! Great letting go. Anyway, the nun works really hard. Although now is the summer retreat period, they make use of every 10 min walking meditation time to do dharma work like going through their speech, articles, designing posters and stuff. Not easy. They practically work their asses off. Oh yea, sunim talked with me this morning in the room, he told me that in zen, meditation is foremost and there is no method, no teaching to cultivate compassion or no teaching abt sutra, just meditation and when i asked if all zen masters are compassionate, he said it differs from master to master. But the most compassionate one he ever met is harada roshi of bu koku ji in osaka, obama. Maybe i'll go check out the place one day. Now that i have experienced meditation here, at this zen centre, i guess i'll not settle for this one right away. I do not really feel the affinity with this shifu, maybe i'll try others. I think i'll try the sambo kyodan's next. Some things abt this shifu, some of his speech, some of his actions do not go well with me somehow. Not that he is no good, he just doesn't click with me. Yupz so its more searching for me. But i still like my home buddhism, shinnyo-en, much better. I feel more warmth there somehow, the environment is much better for me. And i also appreciate the cleaniness of my home much better now. Oh no, is this place turning me into a clean freak? Haha, more attachments to work with! It's 1030pm alr now. Time to sleep! Tmr it is up at 4am again! The last time! Yahoo!! You know, i prefer army to here. I get more freedom there! Haha! Here's great with the chanting and sitting and the buddhism. But compared to army, somehow army life is still better! Cant pinpoint the exact reason though. Hai..., you know, meditation, i've become less attached to this koan stuff, mu....., whatever, i'll just mu and concentrate on the one breathin. I dun seem to really care if i get an interview or anything. I should be content with just meditating. Just being able to sit and meditate actually, i feel this sense of contentment. I think that is what i gained from this retreat. To be contented just to sit there and meditate, whether it be mu or anything. I think, with this frame of mind, anywhere you go to meditate is fine.

July 11: day of departure. Early morning session was alright. Haha, sunim woke us up 1 hour early at 3 instead! And after that we went back to sleep again. Haha! Morning session was fine, but as i was going back, i spent most of my time thinking of what i was going to do when i return. After that came interview, i asked many questions regarding traditions of zen which shifu just cut me short straight away, with the no differance and all but of course, i knew that they are all the same and point to the same place. Today at interview, shifu gave me the koan on joju and washing bowl. Haha! He said my answer was almost correct! I think i know the answer alr. Haha! Next time see him and tell him. What did he attain indeed! Haha! Hmmm..but i still cant pass my mu koan.... Donno what is the answer.... But anyway, that is fine. Mu seems to be a difficult koan.. Hmmm..overall, i think i have changed, i just feel different. I know my meditation has improved, concentration is better of course, posture is better. I need to ty out this new me out in the society to know. If in society, it cant work, then i dun think it is useful. Cant wait to do so..yup, with new found powers and skills, to the society i come. Retreat is over. Oh no, just remembered that i forgot to ask shifu abt the technique to meditate on mu..ah, whatever, i guess the method is straight forward enough. Went a whole round in the retreat with regards to meditation and returned to where i started from. But it is already different. Yep. Oh well, now that i am gone, they ask me if i will go back again, well yes, but with other friends i guess. It is just too inconvenient to go yourself.